Chapter 59
It had been almost a year since Ron had spoken with Warren and he needed a conversation. He wasn’t sure why he was still going back for these talks but from time to time he would feel the need and then he would make the inevitable phone call or drive down to the college and meet with his former professor and mentor.
It was a strange relationship that they had. Warren was often not particularly nice to Ron but he was always willing to see him. The conversation would be on Ron’s dime as Warren called it, at least it would start that way, but it usually transformed itself into something else. Sometimes Ron would have a specific agenda and sometimes it would be an ambiguous feeling that would sort itself out once they began to talk. The last time he had seen Warren he almost laughed out loud. Warren had dyed his hair and permed it so that it was curly. He was still rail thin and had a boyish never look older face and body.
He made the call early in the evening.
“Warren, it’s Ron.”
“How are you?” Warren drawled.
“I’m doing pretty well. How are you?”
“I couldn’t be better. I’m just back from Greece and getting ready for classes to start here in a couple of weeks.”
“I was thinking of taking a ride down.”
“That would be fine. We’re gonna be having dinner about nine here and you’re welcome to join us.”
“I’ll see you then.”
“See you when I see you,” said Warren.
Rahway was in its late summer ripeness of green and humidity. Neither of them lived with air conditioning and so the heat was not something that they ever thought about. The screened windows were all opened a sweet evening cross breeze moved the air in the rooms. They sat in the living room in front of the dormant fire place. Warren had a glass of wine. Ron was drinking seltzer.
“You’re looking very fit,” said Warren.
“I’ve been working at it.”
“What else have you been working at?”
It was always like that between them. They needed a project. Warren had admired Ron’s strength when they put a new kitchen floor into Rahway together. He had heard about that side of Ron before but he had never seen it in action until that day. It was the only time that Ron could remember Warren letting him take the lead on a project and his eyes were drawn to the floor each time he passed over it.
“It’s my 4th year of teaching and the first group of students that I started with is going to graduate. I feel very close to them. I’m thinking of opening myself up to them in ways that I have never done before and I wanted your advice.”
“That depends on what you mean by opening yourself up?”
“I’m going to give them my home phone number and tell them that I’m there for them whenever they need me.”
“You want to be careful about that,” said Warren with a smile. “Students can drain you dry. They will never get enough of you and you’ll find that you can’t get rid of them when it’s time to move on.”
“Tell me what you mean,” said Ron.
“I mean that their needs can leave you with nothing left for yourself. Students don’t understand boundaries unless you provide them with a distinct set of rules. But the real question is why you think this is necessary.”
“This is a special group of kids. They have a chance to exceed everyone’s expectations for them, but some of them don’t know yet what they are capable of achieving.”
“That may be true but why do you feel the need?”
“I’m not sure. Why did you feel the need to do it with us?”
“I was interested in pushing the boundaries of how people lived and learned. You guys were hungry for something more and don’t forget I was done teaching classes to all of you before Chris and I started this place.”
“You ever think about Chris?”
“I think about him often and I still love him dearly. I believe that I saved his life although I am sure that he would not agree.”
Ron laughed and lit a cigarette. “No, I’m sure that he wouldn’t.”
“My relationship with Chris was an attempt at true partnership. It was a mutual trust that both of us eventually violated.
“I suppose that’s true.” Ron sat back and thought about that.
“You didn’t come here to talk with me about Chris,” said Warren. “Have you heard from Robin?”
“Not since she wrote and told me that she was moving in with another guy.”
“Do you think that she still had a hold on you?”
“I don’t know.” Ron was totally sure that he had not come here to talk about Robin. He had noticed that not one meeting between them went by that he did not mention her name. He wondered again, as he had countless times before, if Robin had ever slept with him.
“Would you say no to her if she wanted to give the relationship another try?”
“No, I’d jump at the chance.”
“That’s honest. Would you give up teaching if that’s what it took?”
“No, I would never give up teaching. I’m sure of that.”
“Teaching really is what saved you,” said Warren. “Is this desire to open yourself up more fully to your students a way of replacing what it is that you wish that you had with Robin?”
Ron didn’t know what to say. It was a profound insight and aside from the idea that it left him feeling weak and cast his devotion to his students in a self-serving light, he could not dispute it.
“She touched my spirit in a way that no one else ever has.”
“What she did was put your spirit in a chokehold from which you have still not escaped.”
“I don’t think that she even realizes that.”
“The question is whether or not you realize it.”
Ron tried to change the subject. “You know, I use some of the techniques that you used in the classroom.”
“We all borrow from each other. Sometimes we out and out steal from each other. I’m getting a little hungry here and I think that it’s time to wake Janine up.”
Ron smiled. He liked Janine. She was Warren’s other woman. When Kelly wasn’t around there was always Janine. She was a tall dark-haired beauty that Chris had loved and wanted to run away with. She had turned him down and stayed with Warren, although she had slept with him whenever Warren was up in Boston visiting Kelly. Ron knew that it had broken Chris’s heart. Warren had encouraged the two of them to sleep together and Ron believed, although he had never asked Chris that the three of them, maybe with the addition of a fourth person—a female— had all slept together.
Janine kissed Ron and hugged him. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, Ron. How have you been?”
“I’m well,” said Ron smiling. “You look terrific.”
Janine struck a pose in front of Warren and said, “See! I look terrific.”
Warren drawled. “Ron hasn’t seen you without your clothes on. You’re getting too thin.”
Dinner was just the three of them. Warren sat near the window in his accustomed spot and Janine sat in the middle. Ron placed himself in the place that he would always consider Chris’s chair. They ate salad and steak. Ron wondered if Warren was eating steak every night as he did when they had the communal dinners.
Warren looked at Janine. “Did you ever want to sleep with Ron?”
She looked embarrassed by the question and didn’t answer. Ron felt himself tense at the question. What kind of a thing was that to ask the girl?
“Come on,” said Warren. “Did you ever want to sleep with him?”
Janine did not look at Ron. Quietly she said, “No.”
“Why not?”
Ron was silent and remembered why he sometimes hated Warren.
Janine said, “Warren please stop. Please don’t do this.”
“He needs to hear it. Tell him.”
Very quietly she said, “He belongs to Robin.”
Warren smiled at Ron, who had stopped eating. Janine continued. “It’s the only time that I ever saw him sit up straight.”
Ron realized that he was slumping and fought the urge to sit up straight.
Warren wasn’t finished. “Zoe never had a chance, did she?”
“I felt sorry for Zoe from the first time that I ever saw the two of them together.”
Warren sat back. “That’s why your students can give you something rare and meaningful, but you better know what you’re doing before you go and open yourself up to them. You better be really certain that you know what it is that you have to offer them”