Kenneth Edward Hart

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Cannibals for Dinner

June 23, 2013 by Kenneth Hart

The rain pounded down as if would never stop.  Hard enough to make one envision an Ark.  They were inside this car while rain lashed against the windshield and roof. The noise so loud it drowned out conversation. The wind blew it sideways, if one were to open the window, the wind would slap you in the face.  A hard slap.  The car was hydroplaning.

 

Dinner was at a strip mall, at an Afghani restaurant.  Ron concentrated on the road and tried to relax his hands as they tightly gripped the wheel.  Claire remained quiet, staring intently at the GPS.  He liked the fact that the GPS voice was that of a British female.  She instructed their every move in crisp tones that did not leave a scintilla of doubt that she knew where she, and they, were going.  Ron glanced at the car’s clock, brightly illuminated in the dark.  He hated tardiness, he found it to be insulting.  There were parts of the world, such as Manhattan, where lateness was an affectation of importance.  Here, in New Jersey, it was simply rude.

 

Suddenly, the British voice announced, “You have reached your destination.”  Claire and Ron looked at each other with a mixture of amusement and consternation.  They determined this was the address, but they were in the middle of a residential street.  Ron looked up and down the tree-lined, rain-soaked street and asked, “Do you think there was a restaurant here at one time?”

 

“We have to get this thing updated,” Claire announced, not for the first time. “I doubt there was ever a restaurant here.”

 

“Then, what good would updating the GPS do?”

 

Claire chose at this point to be quiet.  She knew that his obsessive nature would bring about a side of him that she didn’t always like.  He would be terse and sarcastic until they reached their destination.  Of course, once they did arrive, his personality would quickly change in chameleon like fashion and no one would be the wiser to the long car ride and what she had endured.

 

He handed her their shared cell phone.  “See if you can get a number for this place,” he stated almost as a command.

 

Inwardly, Claire grimaced, thinking here we go, “I didn’t bring my glasses.”

 

She knew this response would invoke his instant disapproval and with a clipped, “OK,” he pulled the car over and took over the task of dialing information.

 

A sense of relief washed over her and she let our her breath with long sigh when he said, “I had the wrong address.”  She wanted to chide him. If the situation were in reverse, he would have exploded all over her.    “April gave me Mountain Avenue, not Boulevard.”   Of course she thought to herself, it is never your fault.

In spite of this, they arrived a mere five minutes late. Ron circled the parking lot.  He was suspicious about restaurants in strip malls.  He wasn’t sure why, but it always made him think of food courts and plastic eating utensils.  This strip mall, however, had three restaurants: Greek, Japanese and Afghani, interesting.  They walked to the restaurant, careful to keep beneath the overhangs that channeled runoff like a cascading wall of water.

 

Everyone was seated when they arrived.  The electricity of happy recognition danced in the air between them.  At the table, empty chairs were at diagonal corners.  April had made sure that she was seated next to Claire, who she hadn’t seen in a long while.  Ron kissed April on her lips, shook hands with her husband, Russ Crenshaw.  He then smiled and made eye contact with Russ’s Dirk along with a warm hug from his wife, Sabrina.

 

Claire let the warmth of her feelings show in a smile towards everyone but April.  She took April’s hands in a warm embrace, their affection clear to anyone who watched them.  Claire had been nervous about tonight, about a dinner, about her voice since her illness.  She was worried that talking loud enough to be heard and trying to eat simultaneously, might prove a difficult task.  Ron also stood in back of April and said, “We’re sorry to be late.”

 

To this, April leaned her head back against him and turned her eyes up with a smile as Russ said, “The five-minute rule, you’re fine.”  The two of them shared Ron’s concern for punctuality.

 

“April my dear, my sweet, we are just about as late as it takes to get from Mountain Avenue to Mountain Boulevard.”

 

“Oops,” April blushed and laughed.  Dirk, too, laughed while saying, “That’s right, there are two.”

 

“My mistake,” April readily admitted, “I thought I copied it from the website.  Obviously not.”

 

Claire watched, as she knew would happen, Ron turn what had been a moment of sheer hell for her into a table topic of conversation.  He recounted the guidance of the GPS, the crisp British affirmation of location and had them all laughing uproariously.  It was a knack he had, from sarcastic and sullen to laughter and lightness, all in 60 seconds. Claire was a patient woman.

 

The ambiance of the room was warm, cozy and a shelter from the outside rain.  Over Ron’s head, April watched a large screen computer streaming various scenes of Afghanistan with no hint of a war torn country and its refugees and bombed out caves,  Instead, it showed it as a land where beauty was a privilege of the young.

 

The tables were close together, but not too tightly packed, merely cozy.  Russ told the story of how he had previously scouted out the place after it was recommended to them by friends.  From that scouting, and a study of the menu, he thought it was worth a try.

 

Ron peered at the menu.  The light was dim enough to make it difficult.  While he was trying to make out words, Russ, directly across from him, started a conversation, “You talked about science fiction the last time we saw you.  Who would you say is your favorite author?”

 

“Harlan Ellison,” Ron responded without a thought.

 

Russ grinned in agreement, “Mine as well.”

 

Suddenly, Ron felt out of his depth, unusual for him on a topic of literature.  He truly liked Harlan Ellison and read Dangerous Visions and its sequel, but he hadn’t remembered, it hadn’t touched him deeply enough to remember. Not in the way Gene Roddenberry or Ray Bradbury did.  He didn’t have a working knowledge of Ellison’s vast body of work and vaguely recalled Ellison had been an editor of a book containing stories from other authors of the genre.  Ron was oblivious to the staggering number of works that Russ quoted.  He tried to recover, but Russ understood.  It was a single step above a name drop.

 

While still listening to Russ, Ron realized he could only partially make out the menu.  He watched Claire remove her glasses from her bag and with no difficulty at all, perused the menu.  He cast a sympathetic glance in her direction until he realized it wasn’t necessary.

 

The waiter was now at the table.  People were ordering food.  Russ took over the ordering of appetizers for the table and still, Ron could barely read the menu.  Was it the light?  The small print?  His eyes?  What?

 

Then, he heard April order Tilapia and since he had a preference for fish, he ordered the same.  When asked what rice he wanted with it, he was again confronted with a vision problem.  This time, Sabrina came to his rescue. Leaning in from his right, she said, “Here are the choices for rice.”  To him, Sabrina felt like romantic energy without romance.  He followed her finger, pointed at the menu and said, “saffron, please.”  He was glad that was over.

 

Dirk had ordered first and noted that he liked the menu.  Russ was having Black Angus, Sabrina wanted pork, and Claire ate lamb with orange rice.  Everyone had a laugh at April’s expense when the “side salad” she had ordered with her Tilapia was HUGE.  It was funny to those who knew of April’s lack of interest in food and generally meager appetite.

 

Everyone had a glass of champagne to belatedly toast Dirk’s birthday celebration that had been postponed due to Hurricane Sandy.  Now, long past his birthday, Ron and Claire had become post storm additions to the guest list.

As the appetizers were arriving at the table, Ron said, looking right at April and then, the rest of the table, “I want to write an essay on Oral Sex.”

 

Claire inwardly cringed, knowing that there wasn’t anything Ron wouldn’t say, he had no boundaries.  April blurted out, “Talk to Sabrina.”  When April said this, Ron noticed that Dirk was so still, he was practically in a meditative state.  Sabrina was squeezable ripeness. She almost involuntarily exuded fertility.  Ron gave her a sidelong glance and saw that she wasn’t embarrassed, she wasn’t blushing.  Her white teeth and ripe lips were just to his right.  He snapped his gaze back to Russ who was saying, “I know what you mean.  You want to write about the ways that people talk about it.”  Ron felt the warmth of understanding that can only come from a friend, someone who gets you, or at least part of you.

 

“I’ll wind up having to read a lot more Victorian literature than I’m willing to do ever.  I just can’t see George Sand in my future.  The Mill on the Floss, so maybe not.  Perhaps it’s best expressed in grunts and groans anyway.”

 

“I love George Sand,” said April defiantly.  At the same time, Claire thought to herself, he just couldn’t or wouldn’t stop.  He always needed the grunts and the groans.  They were a necessity.  There was always the next step. He was foolish enough to try to tell her that he was not manipulative.  She knew better.  She knew what he was doing.  It was what he always did.  He had to erase the lines of acceptable discourse.  He did it on purpose.  He knew it and she knew it.

 

Ron sensed Sabrina listening intently as Claire and April spoke together softly. Dirk was silent while Russ and Ron continued their conversation about science fiction.  “I think Ellison wrote a bunch of Twilight Zone pieces, didn’t he?” said Ron, glad to now have recovered more information about Ellison as the conversation progressed.

 

“Yes, he did, absolutely,” said Russ with a nod of approval.  He, too, felt that here he had found a friend who understood him as well, or pieces of him.  All was good.

 

Emotionally, Ron thought Bradbury had written his favorite Sci-Fi book, Martian Chronicles. He cursed himself for choosing the more hip Ellison.   Leftovers from the bullshit personality of Dr. Tuck, he thought.  His taste in Science Fiction was pedestrian.  He should just admit it and move on.  While thinking this to himself, his ears were still tuned to Claire and April, across the table, still whispering, but the whispers had grown louder. Ron responded to their conversation at this point by announcing to the table, “These two are over there discussing my birthday.”

 

At this announcement, Claire and April looked like two co-conspirators, caught and flushed.  Dirk grinned as he munched on one of the appetizers and Sabrina smiled.  It seemed everyone had suddenly joined in the conspiracy of Ron’s birthday.

 

In order to divert the attention from their conversation and the humongous salad that she had inadvertently ordered, April looked over at Ron and said, “Where have you been that you are so tan?”

Russ too, easily diverted, agreed and added, “Your face is quite red.”

 

“I’ve been working outside, spreading gravel around the driveway.  There was a pause before he added for veracity and effect, “Four tons of it.”

 

Dirk laughed, while Russ asked, “They didn’t do that for you?” as if that was unthinkable.

 

“They left it in a few piles,” said Ron.

 

While April had succeeded in changing the focus of the conversation from she and Claire back to Ron, Claire whispered, “It’s those teacher ears.”  This was to warn her off of the conversation until a later time.

 

So, they all were turned back to Ron who continued his story about dirt and gravel and said, “I like to dig.”

 

April grinned when he said this and thought, oh you so do.  Sabrina gazed at Ron’s face searching for the color that April had first mentioned while Dirk continued with his chicken.  He then added, “I just hear things,” and gave her a huge dimpled smile.

 

The tilapia arrived perfectly fried in a sweet, crumbly crust.  The inside was white and succulent.  While dipping the fish in the sauce he said “This thing about cannibals is interesting.  It was a theme in Cloud Atlas and The Hannibal TV series.  I wonder why people have become fascinated with it.”

 

“What about the German man who advertised to have someone who was willing to come to his house and be eaten?” April asked.  Russ speared a chunk of beef.  Claire nodded to April.

 

“What guy?” said Ron.

 

“Armin Meiwis was his name.  He placed an ad for someone who would willingly submit to being eaten, to help consume himself,” she responded.

 

“And people answered the ad,” said Claire, who had obviously heard the story.

 

“So, a man from Berlin came to his home,” April continued, “They sat down to dinner.  They cut of his penis and then ate it together.”

 

“Did they cook it?” said Ron.

 

“Sautéed,”replied April.

 

“I hope with onions,” added Claire.

 

Ron’s face formed an exaggerated O.  “Claire,” he said with mock outrage.  “With onions, that was a necessary addition to the story?  Let’s bring Iron Chef America to cannibalism?”

 

He said this as he pictured the set of the show.  The nimble chairman had summoned a challenger to face Iron Chef Hannibal Lecter.  It was Claire.  The chairman announced, “Today’s secret ingredient, the theme on which our chefs must prepare their succulent variations is…”  Here, another of Ron’s dramatic pauses. The chairman lifted his outstretched hands as the lid was raised on the dais….”Penis.”  There was an array of cocks varying in size, age, and ethnic coloration, circumcised and with foreskins.  Ron looked at Claire in amazement as if to say, “And you think I push boundaries?”

 

April continued with her Armin story, “At first they tried him for assisted suicide, even the Germans don’t appear to have a law against cannibalism.  But the outcry was so great that they tried him again for murder and gave him life in prison.   All for culinary, sexual pleasure.”

 

Dirk, who found most people boring, was laughing.  He never found this group boring, even if it did contain his father.  Sabrina took things in, but never really seemed to react much one way or the other.

 

While they were still laughing and joking about cannibalism, Ron slipped out for a cigarette. He didn’t mind these little breaks that the laws regarding smoking afforded him.  It gave him a chance to reflect.  He could pop out of the room and then parachute back in.  The rain was endless and torrential.  There was a fountain in the middle of the courtyard and it was running and overflowing.  Ron’s eyes flitted from the fountain to the sheets of water coming off the overhand. He needed to urinate.

 

Making his way back through the room, he found the sign for Rest Rooms without having to ask anyone.  It was an unusual set up.  The men’s room door was locked.  He was standing in what was a work/storage/supply area.  The back delivery door was open.  The rain continued to pound the pavement.  Ron shifted from foot to foot, a dance of desperation.  The women’s room door was half open, it was empty.  Ron considered, maybe?  Right then, two women came through the door and he was sure they eyed him with suspicion.  The bathrooms were one seaters, leaving one already suspicious woman in the hall waiting with him.  The younger of the two convinced her partner that she could wait.  Ron imagined the looks of disgust that would have been on their faces if he had followed his inclination to use the women’s rest room.  He could imagine them calling the manager, declaring him a pervert lacking any sense of social graces.  Ron kept his back to the waiting woman and stared out at the rain.  The older woman slipped out and the younger took her place, a revolving door.  Finally, the men’s room door opened and one of the employees came out smiling.  Ron was greeted with an odor that staggered him. He was almost overcome, but finally, relief.

 

Returning to the table, the conversation bounced like a rubber ball with a desire for volley.  It was convivial.  The six of them basked proudly in their unconventionality.  The arrangement for paying had been agreed to between Russ and Claire.  They would pay one third of the bill, to Russ and April’s two thirds.  Easy enough?  Ron had brought extra cash to facilitate the exchange and was about to slip $70 to Russ when the check arrived.  That was before Russ started explaining, in great detail, to the waitress how they wanted to split the bill.

 

Fractions were beyond the young girl.  She was dressed in traditional garb and had a sweet round face with a cheerful smile that, at this point, seemed vacuous.  Patiently, Russ again tried to explain the bill to her when another employee appeared over the girl’s shoulder and, a third explanation was repeated.  Finally, there appeared to be an understanding.  Ron decided that he might as well use
plastic, Claire’s preferred that way of dealing with such transactions.  There were residual benefits she told him and, in that, she was right.

 

The wait staff returned with two bills.  Ron and Russ casually slid their cards out of their wallets, as men are prone to do, but then had to scan the bills to see which belonged to whom.  The light was no better on the bill than it had been on the menu, but Ron found his.  He added a tip and signed off.  However, when the cards were placed back on the tray, the girl fumbled and couldn’t tell which one was his and which belonged to Russ.

With that, Ron quipped, “Well we have pulled this off smoothly and without calling attention to ourselves.”

 

Everyone laughed while Russ replied, “I have no shame.  When you’ve had to lie in a hospital bed with tubes in your bowels and a bag of brown gunk collected in back of you, and your wife walks in and says, “eww” you lose any pretense of dignity.”

 

“Well, on that high note, as always,” April responded as she stood up to leave.  They all followed out, quick kisses all around, hugs and promises to talk soon.  Then, the night ended with a mad dash through the rain to their respective cars.  “Good night.”  They all said as they ran.

 

As they drove home, Ron asked of Claire, “Did you have fun?”

 

“Yes,” she said.  “Food was only mediocre though.””

 

“You know,” Ron said, “we may have missed April’s birthday.  I saw on Facebook that someone wished her a happy birthday last Wednesday.  I was sure her birthday was the 11th or 12th of June.

 

This concerned Claire.  “That would really be a shame.  I don’t want that.  We have to check when we get home.”

 

Emailing when they got home, on both sides, seemed to have become their ritual.  April sent off a note to Claire telling her how good it was to see them.  Claire emailed the next day and found out that her birthday was on the 11th as Ron thought.  April told her that it was her custom to stay in bed on the day of her birthday, sleep through the day, and wake up the next day as if it hadn’t happened.  “It’s my small way of cheating Father Time, even though it doesn’t work,” she wrote.

 

Claire understood, but would have none of it.  “Since we were away for so long, between the cruise and then coming home sick, we’ve really miss you guys.  Maybe we could get together the day before and have your non-birthday celebration without ruining your ritual.”

 

So, it was agreed, pizza and drinks for a non-birthday.  These plans were altered quickly when April was unable to get anyone to come and stay with her mother.  April’s mother was 95 and was growing more and more infirm with each passing day.  Also, an old friend of April’s was in town visiting his mother and she wanted Dan, a trauma surgeon, to meet Ron and Claire.  Dirk and Sabrina said they wanted to join the non-birthday festivities as well and so, it was set for the Crenshaw’s house on Monday evening.

 

Again, it rained.  Ron was beginning to think that they were trapped on the film set of Seven, where it always seemed to be raining.  The Tucks lived an hour away. They were on a lake in rural Sussex County, while the Crenshaw’s had renovated an old home in one of the better sections of a battered city in western Union County.  This time Claire drove.

 

Ron was a miserable passenger.  He braked when she braked, cast sidelong glances at the speedometer, and sometimes grabbed for the overhead handle as if hanging on for dear life when she approached a curve in the road.  Claire attempted to ignore him, but the weight of his overbearing nature was palpable and caused her to say, “I don’t like to drive when you are in the car.”

 

She did have a heavy foot, but why couldn’t he let anything go?  She’d made the mistake once of telling him about one of her relatives from Italy who had been a Grand Prix racer. This was all that Ron needed.  He made up nicknames for everything anyway.  So, when they were in the car, he referred to her as Parnelli Claire.  At times, she found him funny and had to laugh.  Other times his incessant teasing was annoying.  Claire got her revenge by getting into the right lane and following the slowest driver.  This drove Ron crazy and she knew it.  He was not a speed demon, but he was a lane changer.  Claire was not.  She didn’t have the confidence in her ability to use the mirrors that Ron did.  He hated traffic with a passion that bordered on road rage.  They were now two miles from the exit and she plodded along in the right lane behind an elderly man with his blinkers on.  Cars sped past on their left.  She smiled to herself, greatly satisfied.

 

When they arrived at the house, Russ met them at the door, helping them with umbrellas, taking wine from their hands and leading them into the living room.  There was April’s friend, Dr. Dan Thomas. He was a tall, slender man with black rimmed glasses and conservatively cropped hair.  When they shook hands, he did not introduce himself as “Doctor,” and Ron liked that.  He hated when Claire used Dr. Tuck, mostly when making reservations.  She believed that it got them a better level of service while Ron believed that they expected bigger tips.  Claire always told him, in complete sincerity, that she was proud of what he had accomplished, how hard he had worked for this title, why shouldn’t he use it?  It was, after all, his to use.

 

Dan walked into the dining room and sized up him and Claire. He took in Ron’s shoulder length hair and the scent of tobacco wafting around him.  He could not help but be captivated by Claire’s warm greeting. Any friend of April’s would be a friend of hers.  To Dan, these were April’s friends and long ago, he was April’s boyfriend, who knew her friends. They had mutual friends.  Then, life intervened.  That was decades ago and he wasn’t sure if April was the allure or if it was his youth that called to him. He wondered what April thought

 

From what Ron could grasp in his own sizing up of Dan, both Dan and April shared aging mothers and the problems that brings.   For her birthday, he had sent her Keith Richard’s autobiography.  Dan and April had seen the Stones together in 1972.  April loved Mick and Keith was Dan’s guy.  She was tender and receptive, but that was her way.  Russ was cordial in a way that Ron could not help but respect, but he was certain that Dan wondered who are these people and why were they important to April?

 

Dan watched April and Ron kiss and took note of Claire’s urgent desire to go upstairs to see Margaret.  He also took in how April’s eyes followed Ron, who was less than six feet tall, but combined a rough edge with a softness that Dan could not quite place.  They were both at ease in the Crenshaw home and there was an ease in having them there.

 

Claire returned downstairs from visiting Margaret and handed April a gift bag.  “Not a birthday,” April said.

 

“We have been wanting to give this to you,” Claire said, stripping the birthday connotation that could be attached to it.  A wise woman was Claire.

 

April opened the bag and her hands felt soft silk inside the tissue paper in which it was wrapped.  It was opaque, soft, she lifted it and it felt like a whisper.  “I can sleep in this?” she said as if asking permission.

 

“We practically live in ours sometimes,” said Claire.

 

Ron told her, “You could also wear them over jeans and a t-shirt.”

 

April smiled, “But I can sleep in it as well.”

 

“Happy un-birthday,” said Claire with a kiss to April’s cheek.

 

“Coordinated colors for the t-shirt?” said Ron.

 

“No, bite your tongue.” Ron complied and bit his tongue.“Something completely contrasting,” said April.

 

With the un-birthday presents out of the way, Russ poured everyone a glass of wine and announced that he was about to order pizza.  As he said this, the back door opened and Dirk and Sabrina arrived.  Smiles all around.  Ron could tell that Dan felt a bit left out, this was April’s family and friends and he didn’t know them.  He’d met Russ before, but that was many, many years ago.  Sabrina approached him, jerked a thumb in the direction of Dirk as she said, “I’m Sabrina, I’m married to him.”

 

“She is my daughter-in-law,” April informed.

 

While wine was being poured and pizzas ordered, Ron took his turn to go and see Margaret.  He climbed the picture lined heavy wooden stairs hoping that when he reached the top he would find her looking well and healthy.  He knew that Claire would have reverted to her nursing background and performed a surreptitious examination.  It would have been a light squeeze that was both tender at the same time it was checking her muscle mass, a soft kiss that would have allowed her to check pupil regularity.  She would then sweetly pepper her with questions that showed interest while measuring cognitive responses.  If she was able to make Margaret laugh, she could measure the symmetry of her smile, check for signs of paralysis.  Ron just wanted to talk to his friend Margaret.  April had told him how much her mother adored both him and Val, her favorite couple she called them.  He felt the same way about Margaret.  It was mutual admiration.

 

When he entered her room, she was lying on her left side, propped up on a pile of pillows.  She lit up at the sight of him.  He always made her laugh and when she was strong enough to be downstairs, he always entertained her with stories that made her chuckle out loud.  He remembered how she laughed when he told her about mistaking a building sign and believing it read Car Wash and Dental Center and thinking that it was an odd business venture.

 

They kissed and he sat on the bed.  She deadened the sound on the loud TV.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“I’m fine,” she said.  “I’m just stuck in this room since January.  A pretty small world”

 

“Well maybe now that the nicer weather is here,” he offered to her.

 

“I know that I can make it down the stairs, but coming back up would be a problem.  So, maybe next month when my sons are here for my birthday, we can manage it.  April isn’t very strong, you know,” she said with a conspiratorial grin.

 

At 95, Margaret’s mind was sharp and mostly clear. It was her body that was wearing out.  She hailed from hearty stock and was impatient with what was once a gift. If she couldn’t get better, she just wanted it to be over.  She wondered if God was keeping her alive because she was a pain in the ass and he didn’t want her around heaven all the time.

 

“Claire was pretty sick, wasn’t she?” she said to Ron.

 

“Yeah, two months.  We were worried that she had done damage to her vocal cords.”

 

Margaret nodded, “I heard that she wasn’t allowed to talk.”

 

“Two weeks,” said Ron.

 

“Did you like that?” laughed Margaret.

 

“No, it was awful.  She had a white board and she wrote things down and sometimes I tried to do both sides of the conversation for her, but we spend so much time together, it was miserable.”

 

“She seems better to me now,” said Margaret.

 

“She’s getting there,” said Ron.

 

Russ yelled upstairs that the appetizers were being served, so Ron took his leave from Margaret, giving her a kiss and hug and a promise to see her again soon.

 

Pizza at the Crenshaw’s was not exactly a slice served on Styrofoam.  It began with appetizers that included clams casino, empanadas and cheese puffs.  Russ explained that these, finally, were the last of the New Year’s Eve leftovers that he had frozen. He now pulled them from the oven and placed them on trivets.  Their kitchen was a mixture of new and old with a center island, but an older sink, and a tin ceiling.  They circled around the island, a dance with fingers and forks and food.

 

“I’ve been thinking more about the cannibal discussion,” said Ron.  Smiles greeted the announcement.  He hadn’t realized that Dan had not been part of the original discussion and April quickly brought him up to speed.  “Do you think that there is a connection between them and the vampire craze?  Is there really any difference between the two?”

 

To his surprise, April said, “I think there is.”

 

“I agree,” said Dan. “Vampires aren’t real.”

 

“But there are people who drink blood and since they aren’t immortal, aren’t they just cannibals?”

 

“I think there is a difference,” said April.  “The idea of eating flesh was never high on my taste bud list.”

 

“But drinking blood is?” said Ron.

 

April held her hand in the back of her closely cropped brown hair and said, “Well, it is nourishment which we need to survive and doesn’t sucking blood seem somehow sensuous?”  She delicately and deliberately, with a tiny fork, picked at the breaded stuffing of a clam on its shell. She popped it into her mouth.  “Now, where’s the blood?” she asked.

 

At that moment, as if it was orchestrated, the appetizers disappeared and people wandered into the living room.  Russ followed with two bowls of freshly peeled shrimp for the second course of pizza night at the Crenshaws.

 

As they sat down, April said, “My brother sent me an interesting book for a present a few years ago.  I just came across it the other day and thought of you, Ron, in particular.  It’s called How Far Will You Go. I think we’d have a great time playing it.  I suggested it to Marielle when I first got it and she chickened out. “

 

Claire pointed at Ron, “You want to play that with him?  Are you crazy? Have you totally lost your mind?  We’re talking Ron here.”  They both laughed.

 

April believed the game wouldn’t be fun with “safe” people. What would be the point of playing?  She thought they were a perfect group for such an adventure.

 

While April and Claire were glancing over the book, Ron turned on his heel and headed for the front door.  In 2013, it was unthinkable to ask anyone if they minded if you smoked.  One just went outside.  Claire, once upon a time, not very long ago, used to join him.  He knew, after her illness, she wouldn’t be coming back.  What he didn’t know was that April objected to having people sent outside in order to smoke.  She had once been a heavy smoker and understood its addiction.  As a reformed, or was it recovering smoker, she didn’t’ mind smokers at all, except in the close confines of a car.  That she hated. This was always a point of contention between Russ and her, he hated smoking.  End of story.  He used to send his mother outside in the middle of winter to smoke her one cigarette a day.  It infuriated her when he did that and she let him know it.

 

As Ron opened the front door on the rain and lit his cigarette, he glanced at the flag holder that had caused such merriment awhile back at the Crenshaws.  He had both horrified and amused Russ by saying that it looked like a phallic symbol.   The metal holder jutted out straight and strong.  Ron inhaled on his cigarette and grinned as he exhaled the smoke into the night air.  The last time he was here for pizza night, he had dubbed the delivery service “over-priced pizza” when two pies had cost $43 dollars.  He thought it extravagant unless the pizza was stupendous.  It was not.  He had paid the tab much to Russ’s chagrin.  He knew that Russ considered them guests and guests were not expected to pay for their dinner.  When the car stopped outside, he thought, “I can’t be this lucky twice in a row,” but the delivery man stepped out of the car carrying the Over-priced Pizza. This time, Russ had ordered four pies.  The tab was $65, Ron gleefully reached into his pocket and handed over $70.  He had gotten one over on Russ, or so he thought.

 

“Do you want change?” said the delivery man.

 

Ron shook his head and said, “Nah.”

 

He walked back into the house, or parachuted in, four pies in hand.  Russ jumped up and they met in the kitchen.  “Where is the delivery guy?”

 

“He left.”

 

“No, no,” said Russell, “you are not going to pay for Over-priced pizza again.”  He thrust $80 at Ron.

 

“I don’t have a $10,” said Ron.  “I’ll have to owe you.

 

Russ liked this idea and Ron was amused by it.  It was fun to play about the money because neither of them was stingy.  This was something that had been right between all of them from the very start of their friendship.  They had the same feelings about money, it was to be used for friends, and shared.  It was never something to disagree about. They both liked it this way and found it another piece of each other that they understood.

 

During the pizza and salad course of the dinner, they moved into the dining room.  Ron saw that the table was set with matching china plates, good plates from what he could tell and spun gold wine glasses from Italy with an interesting story attached to them.  In true Ron fashion, he snuck over and found a stack of paper plates and swapped his china plate for the paper one.  It was a Ron thing to do and passed without comment, for about 30 seconds, when April saw that her table was not quite right.

 

“Ronald,” she said in threatening tone of voice that April used only on him, “what are you doing?”

 

He looked up and feigned innocence.  April frowned at Russ.  “There weren’t enough plates?”

 

Russ seemed confused and stammered.  “I was sure that I counted them out.  I’ll get another.”

 

Before Russ could get up and go out to the kitchen Ron laughed and confessed.  “It’s okay.  I’m busted.  I did it.”

 

Still, Russ was up and exchanging plates for April’s benefit.  She relaxed now, knowing the table setting was casual, yet elegant.   Ron felt a moment of guilt that he had caused what he discerned as tension in April when she noticed the mismatched place.  He wondered to himself if she had known it was Ron’s doing all along, would she have been amused.  When she thought it was Russ, she hadn’t found the humor in it.  Married couples, the tension, like his ride in the car with Claire.  Do we constantly test each other’s limits?

 

Now that they were sitting down at the dinner table, conversation was easier, flowing back and forth, to and fro.  He asked Dirk if things got hectic at the theater at this time of the year.

 

Dirk nodded his shaved head glistening from the overhead chandelier.  “Graduations, recitals.  Lots of the local schools use the theater for various events.”

 

“Does it slow down afterwards?”

 

“Yes, in July and August it gets slow and I get to catch my breath, catch up on some reading and TV that I’ve missed.”

 

“Can I make a recommendation?” said Ron.

 

Hearing this, Russ leaned over to his son and said, “You know that he’s going to recommend some Communist liberal trash, right?”  The three of them were laughing. Ron knew that April called her stepson with the greatest affection, “My favorite anarchist and had given him a Che Guevara t-shirt one year.”

 

Dirk shook his head. “No, I want something interesting to watch and read.”

 

Ron made eye contact with Russ and then turned to Dirk.  “Have you seen any of the series Newsroom?”

 

“Never heard of it.”

 

“It’s horrible liberal propaganda,” said Russ. “And they pat themselves on the back.”

 

“The star of the show plays a Republican,” said Ron, “A thinking Republican which as we all know is a rarity.”

 

“We actually did see a couple of episodes and I like Jeff Daniels as an actor, but I’m not really a Republican,” said Russ with a puckish grin.

 

“I would agree,” said Claire, “I see you as more of a libertarian.”

 

Russ gives her a full-blown smile.  They have forged a friendship.  “That’s right,”he said.

 

Ron tossed his set up pitch to Claire.  “Some people actually like my recommendations.”

 

Claire grinned. She didn’t and wouldn’t take the bait, but she knew that wasn’t going to stop him.

 

“Tell them how many books that I have recommended to you that you have actually read in the last three decades.”

 

“Not many, “said Claire.

 

“All the more reason to pass on the Newsroom debacle,” said Russ jokingly.

 

“It’s Alan Sorkin,” said Ron as if the name would carry some weight.

 

“Exactly” said Russ, “always writing the liberal fantasy land.”

 

To change the topic as a hostess is oblige to do on such occasions, April stated, “I’m reading a book that Ron recommended,”

 

Ron looked at Claire with a sincere, but teasing grin.  “See, this is why I need a second wife.”

 

“What book?” asked Dan who until now had pretty much remained a silent observer. All understandable, but odd since he was usually a talker.

 

“Back to Blood,” said Ron.  Was it coincidental that their kitchen conversation had been about blood?

 

Dan shook his head in a gesture of non-recognition.  He had just recently told April that with surgery, kids, an isolated life in Southern Jersey, he had fallen way behind in what current reading material was out there.  It wasn’t lack of interest so much as lack of time and isolation.  She thought this was why he was quiet and observing the interactions of the group.

 

“It’s Tom Wolfe,” said Ron. “You know The Right Stuff, Bonfire of the Vanities, and A Man in Full.”

 

“I know who he is,” said Dan, with a tinge of defensive sarcasm, “I do read.”

 

Ron didn’t respond, but left it hanging in the air.  He thought to himself, would I have asked the luscious Sabrina that question?  And he knew he would not have put her on the spot as he had with Dan.

 

April was having none of this. He could sense it and instead she started telling a Ron story to the table at large.  “One night at Claire and Ron’s house, Ron had, one of the very few times I’ve witnessed, a little too much to drink.  He was talking about the horrors of Guantanamo and although she wasn’t convinced that soccer fields, prayer rugs and copies of the Koran and special foods was horrible torture, she agreed with him on the matter of closing it down.  But Ron kept arguing the point as if he hadn’t noticed that they had reach agreement “And then, out of nowhere he said, “I do have a doctorate in Humanities, you know.”

 

Ron blushed as everyone at the table had a good laugh at his expense.  “I really said that?”  He looked to Claire who was nodding with a huge smile on her face.

 

“Which goes to prove that too much alcohol can make you into a pretentious asshole.” Everyone, including Dan, laughed at this. “I really said that?” said Ron again.

 

People ate with conviviality, relaxed in the Crenshaw home, relaxed with each other.  Ron was driving home and stopped after the second glass of wine and drank glass after glass of ice water from one of the crystal pitchers set on the table.

 

Conversation continued on, “I think you’ll enjoy the Keith Richards autobiography,” said Dan to April.

 

“What’s the line?” said Claire. “Happy to be here, happy to be anywhere.”

 

Everyone laughed.

 

“He’s really a very intelligent man,” said Dan.

 

Ron asked, “Does he write about getting his blood swapped out in Switzerland?”

 

“He writes honestly about being a drug addict,” said Dan.  “He comes right out and admits it.”

 

“Would be kind of hard to deny it at this point, don’t ya think?” quipped Ron.

 

April, wondering what this male stuff was about at her table interjected, “Can they actually do that?”  She wanted her friends to all get along, to love each other the way she loved each and every one of them. She knew that Ron was testing Dan and she didn’t know exactly why.

 

“Who knows what they do in Switzerland.  I suppose they might hook him up to a dialysis machine and try to clean out his kidneys or something,” said Dan.

 

“Isn’t that what they do with rapid detox?” said Claire.

 

“It could be one of the things, yes,” said Dan.

 

“Claire was a nurse for twenty years,” said April, looking at Claire for confirmation of the fact.

 

To Ron, it didn’t appear that Dr. Dan acknowledged the statement.  Ron, because of Claire, had been around a lot of doctors in social situations.  It never ceased to amaze him that doctors oftentimes did not consider nurses to be colleagues.  They thought of them more in the way that teachers look at the school janitor.  They were there to clean up after the actual work was done.

 

Again, April felt Ron’s criticism towards Dan’s lack of response and again, shifted the discussion to more neutral ground.

 

“You really should bring your wife the next time you are up this way,” said April. “Do you think she’d be able to handle this group?”

 

Again, it didn’t appear that Dan responded.  There were a few seconds of silence which was broken when Sabrina started asking when summer was finally going to arrive.  This lack of warmth was killing her Caribbean blood as she called it.  While the discussion continued in response to Sabrina’s statement, Dan stood up from the table and wandered into the living room.  April slipped away and walked over to Dan.  They talked quietly for a few more minutes and both returned to the dining room.  “I’ve got to skedaddle,” Dan said to everyone seated.  Dan wasn’t quite sure that he had been hear above the talking and repeated his “skedaddle” comment.

 

April laughed and asked, “Do you have a curfew?”

 

Dan explained to the table that he had a ninety-one year old mother with whom he was staying the night. April took him upstairs to see her mom for a few minutes and then walked him to the door and he was gone.  When she returned to the table, April said, “I think Dan has been spending too much time in South Jersey.”

 

For a state as small as New Jersey, the disparity between north and south was pronounced.  It might only take two and a half hours to journey from tip to toe, but the cultural disparities were enormous. It was also that way between eastern and western parts of the state.  Each extreme seemed to have as much allegiance to the bordering state as it did to New Jersey itself.  South Jersey was code for a certain lack of openness and sophistication.   There was also a pronounced political conservatism that was far more popular in the south than in the central and northeastern parts of the state.  It really was the country in microcosm. Horse farms and cows in the west.  Appendages of New York City in the east, a connected spiral of suburbs branching out from the cities, the resort towns along the coast.  Pine Barrens and swamps dotting the state.  They were all New Jersey people.  They had all endured the “what exit are you from?” jokes and the misconception that everyone from New Jersey knew at least one Soprano.  Ron and Claire actually did.  They had grown up in separate cities, but were born and raised around the people who had nicknames that made them seem like connected members of mafia families.  Most of all the TV exposure of New Jersey in fiction was all about crime families.  That’s what people thought of when they thought of New Jersey.

 

These were Ron’s thoughts as he drove home that night following April’s un-birthday. Again, they ended the evening at home with notes back and forth, letting April know they had arrived home safely and wishing her a now actual, “Happy Birthday.”

 

Just about one week later and it was time for another dinner with the Crenshaws, this time, a belated birthday celebration for Ron.

 

The monsoon began about thirty minutes before they got into the car.  It poured so hard that the windshield wipers couldn’t keep up.  Ron and Claire looked at each other in disbelief.  It could not be raining again this hard.   Dirk’s birthday, April’s un-birthday and now Ron’s after-birthday, each requiring a drive of over an hour and each accompanied by this torrential downpour that followed them like a shadow whenever they met up with Crenshaws.

 

Ron was driving and Claire was quiet, not for any particular reason, except that rain like this while in a car was frightening.  She was glad that Ron was driving.  Fear made her do rash things.  Ron didn’t seem frightened, but he was deep in concentration mode. Claire’s theory of traffic accidents, occurring more often in the rain, probably had something to do with it.

 

There was flooding at the junction of interstates 80 and 287.  Ron looked for a place where the asphalt crested.  He could see cars that had gone through the water over their tires and had to pull over.  He wondered if civil engineers accounted for flooding at exits the way they did on the main highway.

 

An hour later, the mixture of weather and the evening commute left them stranded, creeping block by block.  “We’re going to be at least thirty minutes late,” said Ron.  “Let’s try and call the restaurant.”

 

Claire reached for the phone, thinking to herself, oh no, not again, but instead said, “Dial 411?”

 

“And then press send,” said Ron.

 

“It says that you are out of money,” she said handing him the phone.

 

Since they were unable to get cell service at home, Ron had opted for a pay as you go plan that was much less expensive and carried with it no contract.  The downside to this was that when your time was up or thirty days had passed, you were cut off until you fed them more money.

 

Claire couldn’t figure it out.  “It just won’t do anything.”  Technology frustrated her and her frustration angered Ron.  She put the phone down on the console between them.  She knew he would fix it.

 

It took about ten different clicks for Ron to add money from the existing credit card number that they had on file.  He handed the phone back to Claire.  “Did you write the phone number for the restaurant down when you copied the address?”

 

“No,” said Claire.  She knew this would annoy him, but hoped he wouldn’t continue.  They were going to be late.  There was nothing that could be done about it.  She knew that he was hoping for some kind of sea parting, but since that wasn’t going to happen, she hoped that things would not turn ugly between them.

 

“You have no idea how much I hate this,” said Ron.

 

Maybe she could try nursing him through.  “I know exactly how much you hate it. It’s palpable.”

 

Information informed her that there was no such listing for the restaurant.  Claire said, “You spoke to these people, right?  This isn’t one of those websites for something that has gone of business, is it?”

 

“I spoke with George, the owner, last week.”

 

“Well, there’s no listing.  You don’t have April’s cell number do you?  She knew the question was a mistake as soon as the words left her mouth and she tried to swallow them back down.

 

“Don’t you think that if I had her number that we would have already called her?”

 

Claire considered, sarcastic, but not yet over the top.  “Yes,” she replied.

 

After another ten minutes of crawling at less than five miles an hour with at least 10 miles to go, Ron suggested that maybe they should try information for April or Russ’ cell phone number.  There was no listing for either of them.  Ron was growing tenser by the second.  He could envision his friends sitting at a table being asked for the third time if they were ready to order.  The image made him cringe.  They would never show annoyance, or actually be annoyed for that matter, the weather was horrible, but Ron still tormented himself for his poor planning.  How could he have known that sky would open up?  The fact that he couldn’t know didn’t matter.

 

Five minutes later the cell phone rang.  It was April. They were having issues as well.  They weren’t at the restaurant yet. Ron felt an ease cover him like his favorite silk sheets.  They hadn’t inconvenienced anyone by their tardiness.

 

Ron and Claire were seated when the Crenshaws arrived.  “Can you believe that it’s raining again?” said Claire.

 

April responded with a smile, “It must be a metaphor for something.”

 

Ron’s mind played Riders on the Storm, then Dylan’s Buckets of Rain, then Phil Collins’ I Wish it Would Rain Down. Mentally, he kicked Phil in his testicals.  He obviously couldn’t do that to Jim Morrison and the revenge that Dylan would take on his mind for the thought was unthinkable, so Phil Collins got the brunt of his wrath.

 

“We had a rough day with Margaret,” said April.

 

Margaret was the reason that Ron had chosen this restaurant close to their house.  Both he and Claire knew that it was difficult for April and Russ to leave her for long periods of time and seeing them was always worth the drive.

 

“So, I hear that you are going to tutor Claire,” Ron said to Russ.

 

For a second, Russ didn’t pick up on what Ron meant which made him wonder if April consulted him before volunteering his time.

 

“With the IPad,” said April.

 

“Oh, absolutely,” said Russ.  “The next time we are together, just bring yours or I’ll have mine.  We’ll have you up and running in no time at all.”

 

Claire and Russ began discussing appetizers while Ron and April exchanged a smile unique to them.   As of that morning, they had exchanged 721 emails over the past two years.  Ron grinned this best dimpled smile and said, “You hollered at me for being mean to Dr. Dan.”  He knew that she was protective of her friends and loved her for it.  Claire had him convinced that his social absurdities were always on the brink of getting him into trouble.

 

“I would never holler at you, unless of course you asked me to,” said Aril with a twinkle in her eye. “But think about it from his perspective.  Here he was, seated at a table with good friends and family who have spent a lot of time with each other, know each other, share inside jokes with each other.  He is like someone who had literally come in out of the rain.  And I know for a fact that he respects nurses and janitors and goes out of his way to let them know that.  He is a gentleman.  So, yes, I thought you were harsh.”

 

Ron gazed at her perfectly oval face and for a brief instant remembered a time when they lay in a bed together, her boyfriend in the next room.  He was emaciated and broken. She was lying there and stroking his face.  He thought it might have been the first time they had met. April was clearly one of the loves of his life, but they had a relationship that redefined love.  Love could be abstinence with a certain amount of shared sexual experience.  The four of them had that now, with music and food and plays and films and tender conversation.  Tensions can be filled with loyalty, deference, acceptance and an intimacy.  A submission to the idea that they enjoyed each other enough to feel that pull that brings one willingly back time and again.

 

The appetizers were ordered. The conversation didn’t lag as they ate.  Russ popped the bottle of champagne that he had brought with them. Ron said “Isn’t it strange how neither of us is usually late and then we both are at the same time?  What are the odds on that?

 

“We’re just synchronized,” said Russ.

 

“Like swimmers,” said Claire.

 

Ron pictured them all upside down in a pool, legs extended in unison doing splits. Ron wondered if Russ’s hair looked thinner after it was wet.  His did. Claire’s did.  April didn’t have enough hair for it to make a difference.

 

The conversation naturally turned to Claire’s health.  They had all been concerned.  She had seen a pulmonologist that morning.  He wanted to send her to a rheumatologist.  This would make the third different specialist that she had seen, not counting her primary doctor. Her voice was still not quite right and now the tips of her fingers were beginning to split again.  They had only improved while she was on steroids that she hated.

 

“This thing has really kicked my ass,” said Claire. “I can’t help but think that if I was twenty years younger that I would have been sick for two weeks, taken the meds, and it would be over.”

 

“They still haven’t figured out what is going on with your hands?” said April.

 

“Some kind of auto-immune thing.  Who knows?  They certainly don’t seem to.  That’s the frustrating part.”

 

Ron wondered if talk of doctors and illnesses came with their age.  April had recently had cataract surgery as had Russ.  Ron had a lymph node cut out of the back of his neck not long ago.  Was this what happened?  Your doctor visits became so frequent that they were an ever growing aspect of your life and therefore made up a large part of your social conversations?

 

While he was thinking his thoughts, Claire continued, “He read the memory card and said that I am still having apnea even with the CPAP. Some of the breathing interruptions are lasting as long as one minute.”

 

“That’s a long time, “answered Russ who also used a CPAP.

 

Ron returned to the conversation by commenting, “Of course, Claire makes it feel as if the reason that she has to use it is that I can’t stand her snoring.  I used to lie in bed at night and listen to her stop breathing and then wait for her to start again. That is not fun.”  They all laughed.  He had lightened the mood and talk of illness.

 

April joined in the joke by telling that Russ’ snoring was famous.  “We had a former next door neighbor ask what that sound was that she heard in the middle of the night coming from our bedroom windows.  I told her it was Russ and she couldn’t believe that it was a human sound. Frankly, neither could I some nights.”

 

“She said that?” said Ron.  “She actually said that Russ didn’t sound human?”

 

Russ steepled his fingers in front of him and then interlaced them, “Indeed she did.”

 

“Isn’t that a tad rude?” said Ron.

 

“She was the Queen of Rude,” said April.  “She was also a shameless self-promoter.  She gave out a business card claiming to be an internationally renowned artist.  All because her daughter married a man from Holland and she gave a painting to his parents. That made her an international artist.  She invited Marielle and I to one of her shows and it was awful.  It looked like something a child did in school and the parents put up on the refrigerator.  Marielle leaned over to me while we walked around and said, “This is one time that I really wish you spoke another language.”

 

“So you could speak more freely?” asked Claire.

 

“Honestly is more like it,” said April.  “She also used to flirt shamelessly with me all the time.  She used to think it was chic.  I told Russ, let her really try, I would love. I am so ready to call her bluff.  She has no idea of who she is playing with.  She treated me like a child.”

 

“Sex as a weapon?” grinned Ron.   This was to his liking.

 

“Absolutely,” said April, knowing that he liked it.

 

Ron laughed, “Some things never change.”

 

April blushed and laughed, “And that’s not such a bad thing, is it?”

 

Tonight, in honor of Ron’s after birthday, Claire looked particularly beautiful. She was wearing a ribbon and linen embroidered, what she would call shabby chic, peasant style dress.  It was a blue-grey hue that she set off with polka dot blue and white flats.  April, having only seen her seated told her, “Your top is beautiful.”

 

“It’s a dress,” Claire said, and knowing how April loved shoes she said, “You have to look at my shoes.”

 

She got up and spread her lifted skirt to show her shoes and April smiled her approval.  Ron watched her hips sway as she walked to the ladies room and the swish of her skirts.  He stared at her from the rear whenever she walked away.  April gazed as Russ smiled at her.  There was definitely love at this table, a shared love.

 

Ron got up to have a cigarette.  There was an awning and a wet street with flooded flower pots in fashionable, though colonial, Westfield.

 

As Ron inhaled he thought about his time in this very pretentious and yet provocative town.  Before he’d been with Claire, his best friends had come from here.  They exuded a certain confidence that they were born with and the place inspired.  The exhale drew a sigh. It was now history.

 

Back inside, dessert was being served. The linguini and clam sauce, the crab cakes and the New England broil of shrimp, flounder, lobster and scallops had been removed.  They were replaced with a frozen mango concoction.  Russ and April shared a cappuccino mousse.

 

Ron now opened the gifts that they had brought him.  There was a card he tarried over and three Firing Line dvd’s from 1969 which featured William F. Buckley with Noam Chomsky, Norman Mailer and Saul Alinsky.  Ron longed for those days of cogent debate on topics of social importance.  The days when they were discussed at a high level of linguistic acuity.  April, he knew, had chosen these three carefully and with purposefulness.  He liked that.

 

Claire and Russ divided the check without a hitch.  As they left the restaurant, April said “Ronald, you’re going to get drenched.”

 

In reaction, Ron reached for one of the magnificently large table umbrellas that had been stashed against the wall. “I know it’s a little large,” he clowned.

 

Russ and April laughed, Claire was already out the door.  Ron reached into the umbrella stand and pulled out the silver backed rain shield.  It has stopped raining and the four of them crossed the street together.  Synchronicity.  They were parked next to each other.  Russ and Ron shook hands.  April and Claire embraced, then Ron and April kissed as Russ and Claire followed suit.   April turned to Ron and kissed him again, whispered, “Happy Birthday,” in his ear and they got into their cars and drove off in opposite directions.

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Short Stories

Misguided Directions

February 20, 2012 by Kenneth Hart

 

Dr. Nathan Bork sat in his home office scanning the files of patients that he was about to meet. The office had a comforting study atmosphere with soft leather chairs, fully stacked bookshelves and high ceilings that imparted the feeling of security without being claustrophobic. He puffed on his pipe as he examined the file of Marjorie Bombasco. When the doorbell rang, he glanced at his watch. Marjorie was, as usual, a little bit early. Dr. Bork ushered her into his office and offered her one of the soft leather chairs. “What do you think we should talk about this evening Marjorie?”

She furrowed the eye brows on her round face. “I tried to go to The Grand Union this week but I couldn’t make it. I used to go there every day with my Aunt Dottie, but now, even when I think about getting in the car and driving a few blocks, I start to feel one of my spells coming on.”

“How did it feel when it was just starting?”

“There’s a voice inside me that says ‘You can’t do this. What’s the matter with you?’ and then I feel myself starting to lose control.”

“Whose voice is it that says that to you, Marjorie?”

“I don’t know what you mean. It’s my voice, I think. Then the fear that something very awful is going to happen as soon as I leave the house starts to build up inside me. Then I look for some way to put the trip off.  This week I called my son Ronald and started a fight with him and then I told myself that I was much too nervous to try to do anything except go to work because of the state that he had worked me up into.”

“Why do you think that you called your son?”

“Because he used to be the one that helped me to get around and now he just stays away from me.  Doctor, I feel like I’m going crazy. I feel like one of these times, I’m going to start screaming or shaking and not be able to stop and that they’re going to have to come and take me away and lock me up someplace.”

“Do you feel that’s what will happen to you if you go out?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Some of the things that I’ve done when I’ve had these spells would certainly make people thing that I’m crazy and should be put away.”

“Marjorie, first of all, I want to assure you that you’re not going to go crazy or have to be put somewhere. What you are suffering from takes a heavy toll on you but you are very sane, my dear.” Dr. Bork smiled and the gray-bearded man’s expression seemed to smooth some of the lines that had creased in around her eyes and mouth. “Now let’s get back to this voice that tells you what you aren’t going to be able to do. Tonight, I’d like to concentrate on where you think that voice comes from.”

She looked baffled. “It comes from me.”

“Yes, of course it does, but do you think that it comes from you as a grown woman?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Let’s talk about who the first person that told you that you couldn’t do things was?”

“My grandmother,” said Marjorie. Her face seemed to take on a little girl’s look.

“Can you remember anything specifically that she told you that you weren’t supposed to do?”

“That’s a hard question. She raised me. There were lots of things.”

“Think of something that was really important to you that she told you not to do.”

“Ask about my father,” said Marjorie almost automatically.

Bork nodded. He had expected that response. “What else?”

“When I was small, she never wanted to let me go outside to play.” Marjorie’s face was interested and surprised at her own recollection now. “I remember her saying that I had to be careful that they didn’t come and get me.”

“Who was going to come and get you?”

“I don’t know, but I remember thinking that it also had something to do with my father.”

“Why?”

“I don’t really know but after they found out that I went to the prison, everyone was very angry at me.”

“Let’s talk a little about the day that you went to the prison.”

“OK.”

“How old were you?”

“I think I was fifteen, maybe younger.”

“What made you decide to go there?”

“I heard my grandmother and my aunts talking one day when they thought that I was out of the apartment. Really, I was out of the apartment but I used to hide under the kitchen window and listen to what they were saying.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Because I wanted to know things and somewhere along the line I figured out that they weren’t going to say anything when they thought that I could hear, so I used to sneak. This one day, I heard them talking about how Louis Fox and Charlie Dresden were going to be getting out of prison soon and that fourteen years had been a very long time but that they wanted to be careful. Then I went to the library and started looking through newspapers of fourteen years before and that’s when I first learned about my father.”

“What did you learn?”

“I learned that my father had gotten involved with some pretty ugly people. I remember thinking that they must have forced him to do the awful things that the papers said he might have been involved with.”

“What do you mean by might have been?”

“His name was never mentioned. The man that I thought was my father was always referred to as the third assailant.”

“What made you think that was your father?”

“A lot of things that I had put together from bits and pieces of conversations, but mostly it was just a feeling that I had.”

“So you went to the prison to see these two men?”

Marjorie smiled.  “When I think about it now, it seems like it must have been a different person. I played hooky school and took a bus down to Penn Station and got on the train that went to Rahway.” She stopped and shook her head. “It’s funny, the things that you remember. I remember what I was wearing. I had on black and white saddle shoes and a brown coat that must have been given to me by my Aunt Dottie. I remember the conductor asked me where I was going.” She paused and cleared her throat and met the doctor’s eyes. “My grandmother always taught me to speak up clearly when I had been asked a question. I remember the conductor saying something like ‘And where will you be going today, miss?’ and me speaking right up loud and clear and saying ‘Rahway State Prison please’. Then I remember feeling that I must have said something terribly wrong because everyone had turned around to look at me. I remember being very embarrassed because my dollar bill was very crumpled and it took the conductor a long time to straighten it out before he punched my ticket. It was uncomfortable, but I was just a kid so I sat there and waited for it to be over.”

“What do you remember about the prison?”

“I haven’t thought of that day in a very long time, but right now I feel like I remember everything. There was stone and metal everywhere and a strong smell that burned my throat.  I remember that the room they kept me waiting in had a very high ceiling with windows at the very top of the wall. I remember thinking that it must be part of the punishment to put the windows in a place that nobody could see out of them.”

Marjorie paused in her story and opened her purse. She took out a pack of cigarettes and Dr. Bork lit it for her.  She looked around at the book shelves and smoked for a few seconds. “Do you really think that going back over all of this old stuff will help me now?”

“Yes, I do Marjorie.”

“But it was so long ago and I never had any trouble travelling then.”

“Conditions like yours don’t usually start over night. They take a long time to be created and become so full blown. But I don’t want you lose your train of thought. What else do you remember about the day at the prison?”

“I remember this big Irish looking guard coming into the room and the echoes of his voice when he spoke. He told me that Charles Dresden said that he didn’t know who I was and that he didn’t want to see me, but that Louis Fox had agreed to speak to me.”

“Did you actually see Louis Fox?”

“Oh yes. I remember him sitting on a bench and looking at me without meeting my eyes. I remember thinking that everything was very clean and that it wasn’t dirty the way that I imagined a prison would be. He was a large man but his voice was no more than a whisper. He thanked me for calling him Mr. Fox and said that I was the first person in fourteen years who had called him that and that he appreciated it.”

“Was Mr. Fox able to tell you anything about your father?”

“At first he pretended to not know who Larry Fischer was but when I told him that I was Eileen’s daughter and that my mother had died six years ago, he said that he was sorry. He said that he had no idea what happened to Larry and that he didn’t know how he possibly could help me. I remember starting to cry and asking him to just tell me one thing that was true about my father. I told him that my aunts and grandmother had never been willing to mention my father’s name and that I didn’t even know what he looked like. He said that some things were better left alone and that I had no way of knowing if Larry Fischer, who he wasn’t even sure that he knew, was even my father. But I begged and carried on a little. I think that he felt sorry for me or that I made him nervous, because finally he said that he would be getting out in a few weeks and that he could call me when he got out. I told him that my grandmother and I didn’t have a phone and that she had taught me that telephones were for rich and important people that other people needed to talk to. Then he asked for my address and I got scared.”

“Why did you get scared, Marjorie? Was it because he was a prisoner?

“No that wasn’t it. I was frightened that he would come to my house and that my grandmother would find out what I had done and that I would be in big trouble. My Aunt Dottie was always telling me that I created big problems for my grandmother and that I was lucky that they hadn’t put me in an orphanage a long time ago. I guess that I was afraid that if Louis Fox ever showed up at the door that it would be the last straw. I told him that I wasn’t allowed to tell anybody where I lived.  I remember that he smiled when I said that and that he had missing teeth that made his smile look scary. Then he gave me the phone number where he was going to be living and told me to call him in two months.”

“What else do you remember about that day?”

“Not very much. I got caught for not going to school and told my grandmother that I had gone roller skating.  She called me a dirty little skunk. My grandmother didn’t curse, and made me go with her to church for every one of its prayer meetings for the next two weeks.”

“Did you ever see Louis Fox again?”

“I called the number that he gave me two months to the day later. He said that he had found out what happened to my father and that I should meet him at the Jewish cemetery on 4th street that next Monday afternoon. I cut school again. It never occurred to me to be frightened to meet this man in a desolate place like a cemetery. When I think about things like that now, I must have been another person or something.”

 

“Perhaps you were just very naïve.”

“It was a cold day and I got there very early and had to wait for a long time. When I finally saw him coming down the street, I wasn’t even sure that it was the same man. He had on a suit and a hat and a very large, tan overcoat, and he was with this Jewish man who was all dressed in black and had a long beard and hair hanging down the sides of his face. Mr. Fox didn’t introduce me to the man and spoke to him in a language that I didn’t understand. We went into the cemetery. The stones were large, not like the way it is in Jewish cemeteries today. I remember that when we walked down the rows that some of the stones were taller than me. I remember having this feeling that I was in another kind of prison and that these men were kind of guards too. I thought that this was a prison that nobody ever got out of and I had this urge to turn around and run out of there and go back home to my grandmother. But I had come so far and felt so close to actually finding out something real about my father that I forced myself to keep walking.”

“Marjorie, is this the first time that you remember feeling that you had to run home in order to be safe?”

“I don’t know. I never really thought about it like that. All I remember was that it was so cold and that the wind was blowing through the spaces in the stones and that my hands were red and that the man in black was leading the way and that he walked slowly and it seemed like it was taking forever.”

 

“Then what happened?”

“We stopped in front of this stone and it wasn’t as big as some of the others. Mr. Fox handed the rabbi some money and the rabbi opened the book that he was carrying and began to read from it.”

“Was it a prayer book?”

“It must have been because he was singing and swaying back and forth and I remember wondering why neither of the men had taken off their hats if they were going to pray. I had never heard anyone making sounds like the man. Then while he was still doing it, Mr. Fox turned to me and said, ‘This is your father’s grave Marjorie. I couldn’t really find out too much about how he died because it was a long time ago, but I will tell you that he was a good man who just wound up getting some unlucky breaks.’ Then I looked at the stone. I stared at the name: Laurence Fischer, 1871-1930. It was like a siren went off in my head. I said, ‘This can’t be my father’s grave! Mr. Fox, I know it can’t be.’ He said, ‘This is your father’s grave, Marjorie.’ I cried and hollered, ‘This man was much older than my father would have been. My father was your age, Mr. Fox.’ He just insisted that this was Larry Fischer’s grave and maybe all that it proved was that I wasn’t Larry’s daughter. Then I got angry and said, ‘Why did you bring me here to do this to me? Is it because my father helped you to kill that man?’ His face was puffier than I remembered it being back at the prison. He stooped over and brought it down close to me and whispered in this fierce voice, ‘This is your father’s grave. Leave it alone. Go ahead and live your life. That’s all I can tell you.’ I looked up at the man in the black suit and he had his eyes closed and was making sounds and swaying back and forth like he didn’t know that either of us was there. I remember shouting, ‘Why can’t someone just tell me the truth?’ Then I was running and I ran all the way to the bus stop and when I got off the bus, I ran all the way back to our apartment on Gillette Place. I remember how good it felt to be home and how I didn’t care if I ever if I ever found out the truth as long as I could be home and feel safe.”

“Well Marjorie, I think we have both learned quite a bit tonight. I want to follow up on this next week.”

That was his signal that the session was over. Marjorie reached for her purse and took out her checkbook. “I feel so guilty about paying you so little for seeing me, Dr. Bork”

“That’s the one thing that we don’t ever have to talk about, Marjorie.”

Dr. Bork ushered her to the door and watched as she walked to her car. Her husband was waiting. When she got into the car, George didn’t ask anything about her appointment and Marjorie felt relieved to be on the way home.

On the occasion of her next weekly appointment, Marjorie arrived at Dr. Bork’s office carrying a rather large, thick folder. She placed it on the desk next to her chair and lit a cigarette.

“How was your week, Marjorie?”

Marjorie stared at the psychologist before she began to speak. Her eyes were dark. “I’m not quite sure how to answer you, Dr. Bork. Let’s just say that our last visit had quite an impact on me.”

“I was hoping that it might.”

“I’ve begun to search for my father again.”

Bork was unable to hide the look of surprise that splashed across his face. This was taking a direction that he hadn’t expected. “What do you mean?”

“I couldn’t sleep after leaving here last week. I couldn’t get those images of the cemetery and the prison out of my head. I couldn’t get away from the feeling that there must be some way to find out what happened to my father, so I’ve begun to check through old newspapers at the library.”

“And what were you able to find?”

“Quite a bit.  Some things that I knew and then forgot about, some things that I’m not sure that I ever wanted to know.”

“Why did you decide to restart this search?”

“Because whenever I start thinking about my father, I get this feeling that he might still be alive someplace and that he might not even know that I ever existed, or he might not just not be able to bring himself to find me after all this time.”

“Marjorie, asking about your father was just one way of going back to your childhood and trying to find some keys that will help you to make yourself. What happened back then really isn’t that important today.”

“Would you be able to say that if we were talking about your father, Dr. Bork?”

Bork looked down at his pen and his legal pad. “I don’t know how to answer you about that, but let’s try something else. Tonight let’s talk about the other members of your family.”

Marjorie stared at the folder. “I was really hoping that we could continue to talk about my father.”

Bork could hear the stress in her voice. Perhaps he could turn this obsessive feeling into a useful tool. Perhaps the obsession itself was a kind of key to some of the answers that they were seeking. “Let’s talk about your grandmother. What kind of a woman was she?”

Marjorie slid her palm across the top of the folder. “If I had to sum it up, I would say that she was broken-hearted.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I don’t know but as a child I can never remember her laughing and whenever she did smile there was a lot of sadness in her face. Maybe it was because she was sick. Maybe it was because we were so poor. Maybe it was because her children were such a disappointment to her or because her husband died when she was still a young woman. I don’t know. She never wanted to talk about her life.”

“Where was she born?”

“North Adams, Massachusetts. She was a Lowell. She graduated from Cheshire Academy. I’m sure that spending her life in furnished rooms and basement apartments was not what she dreamed of when she was young.”

“Do you think that she loved you?”

“I’m absolutely sure of it. Or at least I used to be. Who knows now, maybe she just felt sorry for me. She always said that we were poor people who would never get ahead in the world.”

“Did she ever hit you?”

“Not really. She’d tell my Aunt Dotty when I did something that was really wrong and my aunt would hit me.”

“Tell me about your aunt.”

“She’s not an easy person to sum up. I remember wishing and praying that she was my mother. I used to ask her all the time to tell me is she was really my mother.”

“What would she say?”

“She’d say that she wished that she was but that it just wasn’t true.” Marjorie shook her head and her bottom lip began to tremble. “She had style and charm, but she could be so cruel. I gave her a home and the best that I had to offer and what I can’t seem to forget or forgive her for is that she never told me the truth about my father, or my mother, or herself, or anything else.” Tears were running down Marjorie’s face now.

Dr. Bork handed her a box of tissues and said, “It will be fine if you wish to take a minute before we continue.”

“No, that’s OK. There’s nothing that a minute is going to change anymore. She knew everything and she probably created half of the lies that I have spent the rest of my life trying to unravel. Did I ever tell you that the name on my mother’s headstone and the name that I grew up with was an alias? Did you know that I was named after The Fischer Piano Company. Who knows if it was a name my father actually used? My mother was never married, and it was too much of an embarrassment to all of them to bury her or to raise me with our real names, so they just made something up. Of course I believed it until I was old enough to realize that there was something phony about it. I only wish that I had been smart enough to figure out that they had put together a complete package of lies and called it my past. It’s been difficult to find out a little at a time that everything that you’ve been told about yourself was a fiction created for the sakes of what other people would think.”

“Marjorie, tell me some of the things that they told you.”

Marjorie laughed bitterly. “None of what they told me was true. They told me that my father didn’t care about us and that’s why he left us. They told me that my mother had cancer of the throat. They told me that they were all good people who had lived good lives. It was all bullshit!” Marjorie startled herself by the use of the word. He face flushed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to use that kind of language.”

“Maybe it’s time that you called it what it was, Marjorie. Maybe bullshit is the right word. At any rate, you never have to apologize for anything that you say in this office, and you never have to worry about what words you use to express yourself.”

“Thank you, Dr. Bork. My grandmother didn’t believe in cursing. I never heard her use the Lord’s name in vain. When she was really angry, she would call me a dirty little skunk.”

“What about your mother?”

“I don’t remember. I can’t remember how she spoke. She had these tubes in her throat and all I can remember was that horrible gurgling and gagging sounds that she used to make when she had to change them.”

“Had her voice box been removed?”

“I guess so. They told me that she’d gotten cancer. They used to tell me stories of how the peddlers would sell her rotten food because she wasn’t able to smell anything. And then to find out through the newspapers that it wasn’t cancer at all.” Marjorie began sobbing.

“How did your mother lose her voice?”

“She was beaten, ok? Someone beat her so badly that they crushed her larynx and it had to be removed.”

“I’m very sorry, Marjorie.”

“That’s not the half of it. She had an arrest record. She was involved with the murder of some bus driver in Belleville. She was finally beaten again and dumped in front of some doctor’s office and she bled to death on his floor. Who knows what she was. She certainly wasn’t very interested in being my mother. She died when I was nine years old, but I never lived with her. I can remember her taking me to the movies once in my life. We took apart a bracelet that was made of nickels and went to the movies. That’s it! Now I would like to stop talking about her, please!”

“Marjorie, I can only imagine how upsetting it must be for you to talk about all of this. If I knew of a less painful way to help you, I would certainly take it. But the real truth is that until you face who you really are, you are never going to be able to face the problems that you have.”

Marjorie had stopped sobbing but the tears were still coming from her eyes. “That sounds hopeless to me, Dr. Bork. Don’t you see that I’ll never really know who I am?”

“Marjorie, I’d like you to think about it and decide what you believe would be the most useful thing for us to work on during your next visit.”

Understanding the signal, Marjorie wrote out the check and left.

The next week Marjorie was again carrying her folder. She was elated when she came into his office. “I think that I finally may be starting to get someplace with my search.”

“How’s that?” said Dr. Bork.

“The Census Bureau has found a record that says that my father was actually alive. It’s the first time that I’ve seen anything in print that says that he existed.”

“Marjorie, I’m happy for you. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I’d like to ask you something. Do you really think that finding out what happened to your father will change anything for you in your life today?”

Marjorie was startled by the question. “I think it will change everything. It will allow me to put it all to rest, don’t you see?”

“I’m not sure that I do see, Marjorie. How is it going to do that?”

“Once I know who I am everything will be better.”

“Don’t you think that you already know who you are?”

“That way, yes of course I do, but there are so many other questions and lies that I have to sort through.”

“They don’t really matter. I was hoping that you could come to that conclusion yourself, but I see now that you are insatiable when it comes to this. Is knowing about your father going to make things better with your son or your husband?”

“Who knows what it will do.”

“Let’s talk about your first husband tonight.”

“Harry Tuck? What is there to say about him?”

“You don’t mention him that frequently and yet every once in a while I get the feeling that he is still a big part of your life.”

“He is a big part of my life, but that’s because of my son.”

“Didn’t you once tell me that he used to drive you to work every day?”

“He did. Harry and I have known each other for most of our lives. If you can believe it, he comes from a past that is even more screwed up than mine. When we got married, he said that the past was only a place for things to be buried and not something that the living should worry about.”

“Did you agree with him?”

‘I was eighteen and in love. I agreed with everything that he said.”

“Is it possible that he was right?”

“It’s possible that he was right for himself, but I don’t think that what’s right for one person has to be right for everybody.”

“Isn’t it possible that your aunt and grandmother were just doing what they thought was right?”

“I suppose, but who was it right for? Not for me. Maybe it was right and convenient for them, but I don’t see that it did anything good for me.”

“Why do you think that your marriage to Harry didn’t work out?”

“We were kids. We really didn’t know anything about the world or have any business getting married. The reason that it didn’t work out was that he wouldn’t stop sleeping with one of my best friends. He slept with her while I was pregnant with Ronald and he slept with her after I gave him another chance. He had promised me that he wouldn’t do it again. It didn’t work out because he didn’t want to be my husband.”

“Did you want to be his wife?”

“At first, it was the only thing in the world that I did want. Looking back, I can see that we never had a chance with each other.”

“Then you don’t blame him for breaking trust with you?”

“I did, but things changed as I grew older. I began to see things from a different perspective.”

“Why don’t you think that you are able to do that where the rest of your past is concerned?”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s because I just never found out what the truth was.”

“Why is the truth so important to you?”

“The truth is always important.”

“Haven’t you ever lied to protect someone?”

“Yes, but I never felt good about it.”

“But you did it anyway?”

“Yes.”

“Is it possible that your family thought that they were doing that for you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because they saw how it haunted me.”

“Maybe they didn’t have any answers that would have taken your pain away, Marjorie.”

“I don’t think that they cared about my pain. I think that they were interested in their images of themselves and how they changed history to make those images comfortable.”

“Is that so bad?”

“For me it was.”

“Marjorie, I think that the only way that you’re ever going to be able to work through these problems and get on with your life is to realize that nothing terrible is going to happen to you if you let your past go. I think that you have to let the stuff about your family go and I think that you have to let go of the stuff about your son.”

There was a flash of anger and hurt in Marjorie’s face. She flinched like she was slapped by his words. She looked straight into his face. Her eyes were shining dark and determined and angry. “How can you say that to me? You of all people! How can you say that to me after everything that I’ve told you?”

“It’s because of what you’ve told me that I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no other way for you.”

“I can’t accept that, Dr. Bork.”

“Unfortunately, my dear, I don’t think that you have any other choice.”

Marjorie wrote out her check slowly. “I think that I’d like to take some time to sort things out. Perhaps it would be better if I didn’t come back for a while.”

“Of course that’s your decision, but I think that you’re making a mistake.”

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate everything that you’ve tried to do to help me. I just don’t think that I can follow your advice about this.”

“There’s no law that says that you have to follow my advice as a pre-requisite to getting therapy.”

“I just need time to sort through things, that’s all.”

“I really wish you well in your search, Marjorie.”

As he watched her walk to her car, he wondered if he would see her again. Her story was sad and pathetic but she was somehow intriguing and he wanted to help her to overcome the agoraphobia.

 

2

For the fifth consecutive day, Marjorie sat in The Newark Public Library scanning issues of the 1929 Newark Evening News. At first the librarianhad given her admonitions about tying up the microfilm machine for so many hours at a time, but Marjorie had seemed so in need of the task and so persistent that by the end of the fifth day, the librarian was making small talk with her and stopped questioning her about monopolizing the machine. Although Marjorie has made a large number of copies and had taken copious notes on other articles, it was clear that she was not a professional researcher or writer.

Her area of interest concerned the robbery and murder of a jeweler and local hero named Morris Gold. Morris had obtained notoriety by knocking down and managing to hold on to a man who had attempted to kill the Governor of New Jersey. After firing several errant shots at the Governor, the would-be assassin fled down Market Street waving his pistol in front of him. Morris had come out of his jewelry store to investigate the noise and, in a moment of courageous reflex, subdued the criminal by throwing his rather portly body in the fleeing man’s path. The man screamed and cursed and flailed and tried to kick Morris off, but the jeweler wouldn’t let go and soon the police caught up to the scene. Morris was a hero. The President of the United States even sent him a commendation for bravery.

It wasn’t long after the incident that Morris had his first affair. She wasn’t an especially pretty woman, but she loved cheap jewelry and did things in the back room that Morris would never have dreamed asking his wife to do. It was more of a regular visit than a romance. The two of them never went anywhere together and there were never any promises made by either one that suggested that things could be more than they were.It continued for about a year. There were only two misunderstandings between them. Morris didn’t know that his mistress was also involved with a young man and she didn’t realize how cheap the trinkets that he gave her actually were.

Eileen’s life was not a particularly good one and times were not easy in 1929 Newark. When her brother found out that his younger sister was getting a reputation, he began to slap her around, and when her mother told her that her brother was right to try to beat the devil out of her, she decided to leave home. She took the secret box of gifts that Morris had given to her to a pawnshop with intentions of getting enough money to set up an apartment and convincing her boyfriend Larry that, even though he was Jewish and she was not, they could make a life together.

The pawnbroker only used his jewel glass on the first couple of pieces. Then he began to toss her treasures around in the box with a look of growing disdain. When he offered her fifteen dollars for everything, she was outraged. With a cold and angry pride, she told the charlatan that she had no intention of being cheated by him and that there was no shortage of honest pawn brokers in the city. After the next shop, she realized what Morris had done.

When Eileen and Morris had their confrontation, it was less about passion and betrayal and more about economics. After making sure that his shop was empty, she spoke with a loud and angry entrance. She screamed at Morris chanting the prices that she had been offered for her box of jewelry and banging the box on the counter to emphasize the insult of each offer.

Morris said, “Why are you trying to sell my gifts to you?”

“I need the money because men like you are lousy bastards,” hollered Eileen.

Morris looked out the door and window of his store front. He was nervous and sweating.

“Perhaps it is better if you don’t come back here anymore,” he said regretfully.

“And suppose I tell your cow of a wife what has been happening?”

Morris smiled ruefully. “She’d never believe you.”

Holding up her box and crying, Eileen said, “What about these?”

“My wife has never seen this junk and wouldn’t recognize it,” said Morris. “I’m a family man who spends all my evenings at home. I am very well thought of in this community. My wife has no reason to suspect anything about me.”

Eileen saw that she was defeated. She blubbered that she would go into the back room and do anything that he wanted her to do if he would give her enough money to rent an apartment and get started. Morris said that he didn’t think so. Eileen continued to cry. Morris told her that he was sorry for her troubles and that she was a good kid. Then he asked her to leave.

Eileen went to look for Larry. It was going to be a tricky thing because there was no way that she could tell him what she had been doing with Morris, but she wanted somebody to hurt the two timing jeweler and make him pay for what he had taken from her.

Larry and Eileen had a strange relationship. He was a first generation immigrant whose parents hardly spoke any English. Larry had been able to fool them and the rest of the family into thinking that he was going to school when the truth was that he was hanging around with the street gangs and getting a useful education. There were plenty of possibilities for a guy like himself and Larry knew that it would only be a matter of time until he caught the right person’s eye. He dressed sharply and forced himself to speak English without the slightest trace of an accent.

The problem with Eileen was that she wasn’t Jewish. That meant that neither one of their families would want anything to do with the other. Larry saw the situation as a cloud with a silver lining. It was true that they couldn’t get married, but it was also true that it gave him a great argument for talking her into doing whatever he wanted her to do.

Eileen was an exciting girl. Her older sisters were wild and one of them had gone to jail, while the other was involved in the rackets in a big time way. Larry was sure that Eileen knew the score of what went on between them. He knew that she was sweet for him and that if he worked things right, that in the end she would be able to help him get where he wanted to go.

The story that Eileen told Larry was a complete work of imagination. She told him that her mother had gone to the jeweler with the last of their family heirlooms and that Morris had stolen them and replaced them with junk. She told him that Morris was denying that he had ever seen an expensive cameo that had been a wedding gift for her mother and father. She told him that the only way that she was going to be able to get what she deserved for her mother was for Larry to go to the jewelry store and shame Morris in front of his wife.

Larry immediately identified the situation as the break that he had been looking for.  If he did this favor for Eileen’s family, word would get around that he was someone to be taken seriously. It wasn’t that easy for a nineteen year old kid to be taken seriously. But there was one point that needed clarification.  “Does your sister Dorothy know about what happened?” said Larry.

Eileen hadn’t expected this kind of question. She thought fast. “My mother doesn’t approve of the way that my sisters are living. She doesn’t want them to know how bad things have gotten for us and she is ashamed to tell them now.” The look on Larry’s face told her that he really didn’t buy her explanation. She began to panic. She could see the whole plan starting to fall apart. She started to cry. “Larry, I wasn’t telling you the whole truth.  I took the cameo without telling my mother anything. I wanted to set up an apartment so that you and I could be together without anybody having the right to say anything about it. I was going to get a job and keep the apartment going.”

Larry smiled. That made more sense and he liked the idea of having an apartment where he could stop in and see Eileen whenever he wanted to be with her. He told her that a couple of his friends and him were going to pay Morris a visit at his house and that they were going to come back with at least two hundred dollars for her. He said that he would have to pay the guys twenty-five dollars each to make it worth their time, but that one hundred and fifty dollars would be more than enough to set up an apartment.

Larry decided to case the jewelry shop and get an opportunity to eyeball Morris before deciding what to do. He went in on the pretext of needing a new watch. Morris Gold was bigger than Larry imagined him to be and older too. The sign on the shop store said that it would close at 7pm. As far as Larry could tell, there was only a lock on the front door, no alarm.  That told Larry that there must be a safe in the back that Morris used to store the good stuff. Larry knew that Morris Gold’s jewelry shop was famous for diamond brooches and gold bands, the kind of items that would only be brought out for certain customers. Larry also knew about Morris’ recent notoriety and how it had improved his business. The more he thought about it, the more that he became convinced that he wanted to take the jeweler for everything that he had.

He watched Morris close up his shop and followed him as he made his way down Market Street.  Larry noticed the number of people with whom Morris exchanged greetings. The right way to do it was to get into the store and clean out the old bastard’s safe.

That night he explained the new plan to Eileen. She said that she didn’t care if they robbed his whole store and that she had seen the safe in the back room and that during the day it was left open.

“How’d you see that?” asked Larry.

“He said that he wanted to show me where the cameo was going to be kept so that I wouldn’t worry. I didn’t realize until we got back there that he was just he was just looking for an excuse to put his hands on me.”

‘You let that fat slob touch you?” Larry’s voice was angry and dark.

“I didn’t let him,” said Eileen. “He just did it, that was all. I made believe that I didn’t feel his hand and then he took it away.”

“I need to teach him a lesson for you, Eileen.”

            “Larry this ain’t about that. Just get the money and get the hell out of there without a hitch.’

That night they got a room at the Military Park Hotel. Larry was becoming more and more impressed by Eileen and she knew that after not going home all night that she had stepped over a line that she couldn’t cross again.

Louis and Charlie were two guys that Larry trusted more than other people that he knew. They were also two guys who had guns and were reliable. It didn’t take long to work out the details of the plan. Charlie and Larry were still living at home, but Louis had his own place. They could bring Eileen over to Louis’ room and then beat it back there by different routes after the job was finished.

Splitting a bottle of whiskey, the four of them sat around a small table while they waited for it to be time to go. Larry saw the way that his two friends looked at Eileen. If only she’d been Jewish. He thought for an instant, but then decided that this was no time for that kind of stuff. This was his plan, his woman, his gang and it was going to his night.

At first, the job went smoothly. They walked in on Morris while he still had the safe open. Larry smacked him in his fat gut with the butt of his gun. Then he brought his gun up to the jeweler’s mouth and told him that he would love to shoot him through his chins. Louis and Charlie cleaned out the safe and the register. They were almost frightened by the fortune that they found. There was more in cash and in merchandise than the three of them put together had seen in their lives. Morris seemed too frightened to move.

If it hadn’t been for his act of heroism, he probably would have remained that way, but his eye caught the letter of commendation from the president that Morris had framed and hung on the wall.  His mind recalled the accolades that had been heaped upon him about his bravery and courage. The instinct gripped him once again, and he tried to make a move to grab Larry’s gun, but Morris moved too slowly and Larry was too nervous. The shot splattered the jeweler’s brain.

The three men watched Morris Gold’s body slide down the wall and stared for a shocked instant at the smear of blood. Then they panicked. Forgetting the plan and holding the bags of cash and jewelry in plain sight, they ran down the street together. Larry, terrified by the feel of the hot gun, threw the weapon into an alley. Somehow the men made it back to the room where Eileen was waiting, but it was no good. People had seen them. Within a few minutes, they split up the take and abandoned the apartment.

Later that night, Larry and Eileen stole a car and headed for Massachusetts. Louis and Charlie were arrested within a couple of days. They were tried, convicted and sentenced to life imprisonment. Several months later, Eileen reappeared. She was pregnant. Larry was never seen again, although the newspapers did refer to an unidentified man who had actually committed the murder of Morris Gold.

Marjorie was tired and the library was about to close. What a way to learn about your parents, she thought.  In reality, she wasn’t even sure of how much of the newspaper stories were accurate. Her aunts and grandmother had resisted telling her anything for years. What was not in the newspaper stories, she had filled in with her imagination.

They had told her that he mother died of cancer and now she had a death certificate from the State which said that wasn’t true. They had told her that her mother loved her very much, but Marjorie had no recollection of those expressions of love. Every memory of her mother was accompanied by a shadowy parade of surly men that were always around her and always telling her to hurry up. Her family told her that Larry died when she was a baby, but why should she believe that any more than the rest of lies?

Over the years, Marjorie had constructed a fantasy about her father and she kept the belief that he was alive somewhere deep in her heart. The need to find him was an irregular but persistent passion that she had felt forever.

Up Market Street, passed the block that used to contain Morris Gold’s jewelry store and down what used to be called High Street was the Hall of Records. When Marjorie got around to telling the librarian that she was interested in documents surrounding a trial, the librarian told her about the archives in the Hall. It was there, for the first time, that she actually saw his name in print.

When she saw it in the clear flowing penmanship that was used to record proceedings in 1930, her hands began to shake. She looked at the paper for a long time and then held it to her face and began to cry. It was the first official document, other than the census, that supported the existence of the man.  The newspapers had never named the unidentified gunman but there was the name, Larry Bernstein, alias Larry Fischer, alias Larry Borenstein, alias Larry Green suspected of murder and never apprehended. Now she was sure. Why else would they have all lied to her if there had been nothing to hide?

Things began popping into her memory with small explosions. This was why there had been no trace of the Fischers. This was way there was no record of the death of Larry Fischer. This was why the grave was a phony. She hadn’t been named after a piano company. It had been a fake name that he sometimes used. She wondered if they had done that so that he would be able to find her one day. This also explained why there was no burial receipt for the body. She had spent all of this time searching with the wrong name.

That evening Marjorie poured over her collection of dated Newark phone books, looking under the name Bernstein. There had been pages and pages of them. When her husband came home from work and found that she had again become oblivious to time and food, he told her that he couldn’t take her spending all of her time doing this anymore. He told her that nothing in the present seemed to exist for her and that half the time he thought that it was 1930 in his house. He screamed that he had gone through this search with her on many other occasions and that she always came up empty and more depressed than she had been when she started. Finally, with his face red and his arms waving, he said, “How is it that you can travel down to Newark and crawl around the floors in the Hall of Records without any help but you can’t seem to get yourself to the Grand Union to buy my dinner?”

George’s timing couldn’t have been worse. Marjorie felt too close to something to be distracted by George or anything else now. She looked up from the phone books. “I guess it’s because this is more important to me than your dinner is. I don’t expect you to understand and I think that we both know where you’d really like to be and what you’d like to be doing.”

George threw up his hands and walked towards the door. He called back over his shoulder that he would be back after he’d gotten himself something to eat. That night he told his girlfriend that he’d decided to leave his wife for good.

There were thirty-seven names under Bernstein in Marjorie’s most recent Newark phone directory. She started with those close to her old neighborhood and then worked her way out.  She continued to make calls the next morning.

“Hello, I’m very sorry to bother you but I’m trying to locate a Mr. Larry Bernstein. I haven’t seen him for many, many years but it is very important that I speak to him. Do you have anyone in your family with that name? He would be about seventy-five years old by now, I think.”

On the two occasions when she had gotten affirmative replies, her heart began to thump with incredibly wild anticipation, but something had always come along as a disqualifier. She ended each of those conversations with her mouth trembling and by being able to choke out, “No that couldn’t be him. Thank you very much.”

After she called the last name, she felt very alone. George had been right. This had only lead to another dead end. She got up from the telephone and wandered through the rooms trying to determine what she should do next. The following day, she drove back to the Newark Library.

When she and George had left Newark, they had declared that except for visits to family and some of the really good meat stores and bakeries there was no reason for them to return to the city. And yet she had been driving its streets every day for weeks.

The librarian smiled when she saw Marjorie. The woman had become such a fixture at the microfilm machine that she had missed seeing her there in the last few days. The librarian looked down at her watch. There really wasn’t enough time left in the day to start the lengthy kind of work that Marjorie did, but she would assist as much as she could. “Did you have any luck with the Hall of Records?”

Marjorie smiled sadly. “I don’t seem to have very much luck at all.”

The librarian glanced at her watch for Marjorie’s benefit and said, “Is there something that I can get for you? We are going to be closing shortly.”

Without really thinking, Marjorie blurted, “Do you know anything about the Jewish Community of Newark?”

“What is it that you’re interested in? That kind of information would probably be located in the New Jersey Historical section.”

“I don’t think that’s the kind of thing that I need,” said Marjorie.

The tone of defeat in her voice touched the librarian who had watched her struggle to learn how to use the machine and then sit for hours in a neck stiffening position, scanning through issue after issue of forgotten newspapers. “The only thing that I know is that when they left, they left without a trace.”

“When they left?” Marjorie picked up her head for the first time.

“Well, you know how it is with this city. Most of the good people pulled out a long time ago.”

Marjorie’s face brightened. She thanked the librarian for all her kindness and shook her hand. Then she hurried back to her car. When they left. That was it! Her father’s family had left the city. Probably they hadn’t gone too far! She hadn’t gone too far. They could be in West Orange, Verona or Livingston. When she got home, Marjorie went straight for her suburban Essex phone book. There were three pages dedicated to the name Bernstein. She began to make the calls.

When George came home and found his wife still sitting at the table with the open phone book, he had to try to stop her. “Marjorie, I know how much this means to you, but don’t you see what you are doing? You’re closing yourself off from everything around you. It’s almost as if you were the person that disappeared.”

Marjorie felt punched in the stomach by the last sentence. “I’m doing what I think I have to do, George.” Then she began to dial the next number, but she saw that her hands were shaking. Then she heard the voice in her head that always preceded one of her spells. What do you think that you’re doing? Something very bad is going to happen and it’s all going to be your fault because you won’t give up on this foolishness! Marjorie put the phone down. She felt like she was going to pass out. There was tightness in her throat. She began to gasp for air. Her mind was out of control. Had she already done the thing that was going to cause awful things to happen? She lit a cigarette and took a Librium. She needed to calm down. She peered out of the kitchen into the room that George had retreated off to.  It seemed very far away and dangerous. She was sure that she couldn’t make herself go that far. “My God, what’s happening to me?” she said. She was actually afraid to leave the kitchen and go into her own living room. She was afraid to get up from the table. She was afraid to speak. She was afraid to breathe.

When Dr. Bork’s answered his phone, he could barely make out Marjorie’s voice whispering on the other end of the line. “Doctor Bork, something very bad is happening to me and I need to see you. Could I please come over?”

Bork heard the distress. He had almost expected that something like this would happen sooner or later. “Can you come over right now?”

“Yes,” said Marjorie. “Thank you so much.”

She put down the phone and looked back into the living room. It was still so very far away. The door was on the other side of the room and beyond the door was nothing that she knew. She got up slowly and moved from the back of the chair to the counter. Her legs felt very heavy. She moved to the doorway. She was beginning to sweat. “George,” she called. There was no answer. Then she heard the shower running from the upstairs bathroom. He was getting ready to go out, she thought. She moved back to the phone and dialed her son’s number. There was no answer. She was crying when she put the phone down. He was never there when she needed him anymore. Then she had an idea. If she called a cab she would be able to go. She would know what was waiting for her outside of the door. She could picture the cab in her mind as she made her way back through the living room. She had gone to Dr. Bork’s office by cab before. Yes, she could do that.

3

 

“Marjorie, it’s good to see you again.” Dr. Bork extended his hand and guided the patient into his foyer.

“Dr. Bork, I’m terribly sorry to be bothering you like this. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Why don’t we just go into my office and talk about it,” said Bork.

When Marjorie looked around, she saw that the office still gave her a secure feeling.  Her breathing had returned to its normal rate and she no longer felt like she was going to feint.

“How have you been doing, Marjorie?”

She recounted the story of her search and then she told him about her argument with George and the effect that it had on her. When she was finished, she was sitting stiffly, waiting to hear what he would have to say. She expected him to admonish her for going overboard, but he didn’t say anything. He filled his pipe and lit it with a long, wooden match.  “Doctor, do you think that I’m having a breakdown?”

Dr. Bork tipped back in his chair and smiled. “What I think you are having is a breakthrough, Marjorie.”

“What do you mean?”

“What I’ve heard is not the story of a woman who is unable to go to the Grand Union. I’ve been listening to the amazing story of a persistent survivor who had let her determination and instincts lead her towards what she thought was right in face of overwhelming odds.”

“But Dr. Bork, I wasn’t even able to walk into my parlor tonight.”

“You got yourself here when you needed to though, didn’t you?”

“I took a cab.”

“But you did what was necessary for you to get what you needed for yourself. Don’t you see that is one of the truly important things that happened to you tonight? Your son wasn’t there to help you. Your husband wasn’t there for you. Your aunt is no longer alive, but you were still able to get yourself here.”

“But what happened to me?”

“I can’t tell you for sure, but I can tell you what I think is going on. I think that George inadvertently enunciated one of your deepest subconscious fears, the fear that somehow you would disappear too.” Marjorie felt another jolt inside of her, even at the re-mention of the words. Bork noticed her body stiffen and saw that her face looked panicked. “I think that it was still difficult for you to hear me say those words. The truth is, however, that you’re here because you want to be here. Look at your past, Marjorie. Your grandmother was always afraid to let you do anything because of what she’d seen happen to her own children. She was determined to make sure that you weren’t lost to her as well. What she did in order to accomplish that was to try to scare you to death about the outside world. She didn’t do it as an act of meanness. It was out of fear. Your aunts went along with her, probably out of guilt that they felt about what they’d done with their own lives. This search that you say has haunted you has probably given you the strength to attempt things that you would have otherwise never tried to do. Don’t you realize how incredible it is that a young girl would have the gumption to go to a prison and then later to meet with a convicted murderer? Your story about the last few weeks in the library is simply amazing. Of course the librarian wanted to help you! You are someone who is worthy of being helped.”

The medicine of praise was having a tremendously restorative effect on Bork’s patient. “Do you think that I’ll ever find out what happened to my father?”

“I don’t know, Marjorie, but I’m sure that somewhere along the way you will discover an appreciation of yourself.”

“I feel like I’m at a dead end.”

“You’ve felt that way before.”

“I seem to keep going back to old newspapers.”

“Perhaps you should try a more contemporary approach.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Perhaps the person who could help you is still out there to be found.”

Then Marjorie understood what Bork was talking about.

 

One year later, in the Sunday edition of the Star-Ledger, the following letter appeared in the editorial section under the subhead, Search Runs Into Stone Wall:

Dear Editor,

I have been trying to obtain a death certificate for my father for the last several years now to no avail. These are the reasons.

I started going and writing to all the department of health offices for each county in New Jersey to ask to search through their records. Each name that I have researched has cost me four dollars. At the time of my father’s presumed death (July 3, 1930) he used aliases, so it has therefore cost me several hundred dollars and I still have not found a death certificate. I have contacted the Department of Vital Statistics in Trenton on several occasions, and the state registrar refuses me admission to check the records for July 1930.  He claims that all such records are closed to the public. I have explained to him that the reason that I wish to be allowed to look myself is that I am more likely to recognize the alias.

Also,  in the last year,  I have been in contact with The United States Department of Justice. The Census Bureau, The Federal Bureau of Investigation, The United States Department of Defense, The Department of Health and Human Services, The Letter Forwarding Service of the Bureau of Data Processing, The United States Department of Commerce, The United States House of Representatives, The Social Security Administration, The United States Army, and The United States Navy. Additionally, I have searched the death records for the states of New York and Pennsylvania.

I would ask at this time that someone come forward and attempt to be of assistance to me. I am not willing to give up the search to discover the fate of my father, but if there is anyone who can give me information relating to the life or death of Larry Bernstein of Newark, New Jersey, please contact the editor of this paper and he can put you in touch with me.

Sincerely,

Marjorie Bombasco

Bloomfield, New Jersey

When the Family Location and Legal Services agent contacted Marjorie some three days later, she was genuinely surprised.  The letter to the editor had been her final idea. Tracing the family name through the synagogue records for the temple which had been located in Marjorie’s old neighborhood, the representative found the Bernstein family living two towns away from Marjorie.

On a cool April evening, Marjorie had her first conversation with a member of her father’s family. The woman’s name was Stephanie Weiss. After being contacted by her rabbi, Mrs. Weiss agreed to speak with Marjorie.

“Mrs. Weiss, do you know what happened to my father?”

“Mrs. Bombasco, I agreed to speak with you at the urging of Rabbi Feldman, but I must tell you that I have no reason to believe that my uncle Larry was ever married or ever had a child.”

“How old is your uncle now?” said Marjorie, holding her breath.

“Well, if he were still alive, he would be in his seventies, I would imagine.”

“What happened to him?”

“Something very bad, I think. We were never allowed to talk about him as children. I think he did something very wrong. Anyway, I know that my father and my grandfather arranged for him to go back to Poland right around 1931, or so.”

“Then what happened?” said Marjorie.

There was a pause on the other end of the line. “You know what happened in Poland, don’t you?”

Then Marjorie began to tell the story of her life and her search. The woman was astonished. “I do remember some talk of Larry being involved with a gentile girl, but I never heard her name mentioned. I do have a brother who might know more about it than I do. He was older, you know?”

“Would you mind giving me his number?”

“I don’t think that I should do that, but I would be willing to call him and to tell him about you. I’ll get back to you in a short while.”

That night Marjorie waited for the return phone call but it never came. She waited by the phone through the next day and the next. Then she called Stephanie Weiss back. The woman seemed very frightened. “My brother was very upset with me when I called him. He has refused to have anything to do with this. What happened was all so very long ago, my dear, and I just don’t know how I can help you. Those were very bad times that everyone would just like to forget.”

Marjorie pleaded but the woman excused herself and hung up. Was this another lie? What was there to do now?

One week later, Marjorie’s old friend the librarian smiled when she saw her standing at her desk with a request form. Marjorie retuned the smile and asked, “Could you please direct me to a section that would contain information about the Holocaust?”

Filed Under: Short Stories

The Good Life

February 15, 2012 by Kenneth Hart

The Good Life

 

1

Sitting by the front windows and counting automobiles, the boy was glad that it was Sunday. There wasn’t as much work and there were more cars than on other days. His straight mouth and blue eyes showed concentration but not any emotion. Harry was waiting for a green pick-up truck that had dropped him off there at some hazy point in his past. He knew that he hadn’t always been at the orphanage, but he couldn’t remember how long it had been since his father had told him to be good and wait until he could come back for him. The truth was that he hadn’t learned to keep track of time very well.

        “Harry, you gonna’ play ball?” It was Roger. Harry didn’t mind Roger because he knew that he could kick the shit out of him any time that he needed to.

       “How many guys you got?” He wouldn’t have bothered to ask but it was Sunday and the car count could go over a hundred.

           “Seven on a side with you.”

             Harry’s expression cracked into a grin that moved his ears back. It was a good number. It was afternoon and probably no one else was coming there that day. Who cared that he wrote down the numbers for the week and then added them up and threw out the paper when there were seven totals of cars to be added.

          As soon as they hit the door, Harry started to run. The speed, the wind, and the side blur of immobile things moving passed him got him excited.

               In Father Bishop’s office there were no lights on and the drapes were drawn. Harry was waiting. He sat in the straight chair that was meant to remind him why he was there. Harry looked at the leather chairs and couch and tried to squint up an image of his father coming back for him, but he knew that he wasn’t allowed out of the punishment chair.

Father Bishop opened the door with an unconscious quietness. His face registered placid annoyance at the sight of Harry. “So you’re the ungrateful piece of trash that hits other boys on Sunday?”

Harry knew that he was under scrutiny and that anything he did would be the wrong thing. He kept his eyes on the floor. The shiny black shoes were standing next to him. The priest grabbed his left ear and pulled Harry to his feet. “Are you pretending not to hear me?”

Harry grimaced but did not cry out. “No father.”

The hand let go of his ear, would up and smacked against the side of his head. “You know the rules against fighting, Harold?”

“Is there anything that you want to tell me before you are punished for what you did?”

“I’m sorry,” Harry hesitated and raised his head until he was looking straight at the priest, “that I didn’t get to finish the fight.”

The priest rocked back on his heels and reached for his strap. “This time you’ll lower your pants in order to help you with your penance, Harold.”

               Harry was too sore to be comfortable, but the tears that he hadn’t been able to stuff back were dried on his face and arms. Roger stuck his head down from the overhead bunk. The dark haired boy was more curious than concerned. “He strapped your ass until you bled, didn’t he?”

“Did he get Jack too?

    “Right after he was done with you.”

“Did you grab anything from supper?”

“Couldn’t get away with anything but some bread,” said Roger.

“Bread’s alright.”

“You’d do it for me. Why did Jack start with you Harry?”

“I’ll get him back,” said Harry.

 

2

               The orphanage had one room that was set aside to teach the boys to read, write and do arithmetic. The rest of their education was confined to religion and manual labor. Harry was never really happy at the sight of Father Bishop, but he knew how the priest worked his system. Boys who had broken the rules were separated from the rest and given time to think about what they had done. Then they were strapped and sent back. There were no favorites in the home. The squealers were strapped just as hard as the boys who had broken the rules. Harry didn’t know if it was cruel, but it seemed fair.

 

He wasn’t unusually frightened when Father Bishop came to the school room to get him. He had been strapped again yesterday for getting even with Jack. The welts on his rear were still sore but he could move okay and he wasn’t letting on that anything was bothering him. Complaining about the after effects of being strapped just got you strapped again.

“I want you to come with me, Harold.”

They were going to the priest’s office, but Bishop stopped him outside the door and gave him an inspection. “Tuck in your shirt properly and comb your hair.” The priest watched as Harry smoothed his shirt around the waist of his pants. The priest’s eyes waited while the boy finger combed his thin, blonde hair.

Harry tried to hide his excitement at the sight of William Brandt, but seeing his father overwhelmed him, and unknowingly, the boy’s mouth dropped open. Brandt was a large man with a barrel chest and the tell-tale redness of hard drinking on his face.

“I come to get ya, Harry.”

Father Bishop ushered Harry into one of the leather chairs and then sat down behind his desk. “You left Harry with us about two and a half years ago, Mr. Brandt. We think that you’ll find him a different boy than he was then. He’s had the chicken pox and several fevers that have gone on for weeks and just run their course. He still doesn’t eat very well and seems to have a mean streak in him. We’ve attempted to address that behavior with a moderate amount of success. Harold has grown to expect to be sternly corrected when he misbehaves. We suggest that you continue that practice so that the work that we’ve started here won’t be lost. The Lord has taught us that children profit from the strap.”

“I hope that he hasn’t been too much trouble to ya father, but you can be sure that the Mrs. and me won’t go against anything that you done.”

“We’re here for more than the convenience of the needy, Mr. Brandt. Please require that Harold continue to go to church regularly. It is the small price that we ask in exchange for our services and of course whatever donation that you’ve decided upon for the time that he spent here.”

Brandt looked over at his youngest son. “Ain’t really got much I can give you right now Father, but as soon as money comes in, we’ll be sending something along.

The first thing that surprised Harry was that there was no green pick-up truck parked in front of the orphanage. The second surprise was that his father lived close enough for the two of them to walk to his new home.

The man watched his son walking alongside of him. The boy was tall for eight years old and Brandt saw traces of his old wife in Harry’s face. The insight caused an uncomfortable emotion and made him feel like he had to say something. He didn’t like to feel that he had to speak to his children.

“I’m married. When you talk to her, you’ll call her Mrs. Brandt. There are other children from the Mrs. and from me that have been there for a while now.

“Is that where Tommy is?”

“I ain’t answering questions, Harry. I’m just telling you what you need to know. Brandt waited and saw that the priest was right. The boy put his head down and Brandt knew that there wouldn’t be any more questions about the past. The past wasn’t there and so there was nothing to talk about.

3

               Robert Tuck was working out of a vacant lot down the street from the Brandt apartment. Its debris made it a magnet for neighborhood kids. Harry discovered the lot on the first day of his new freedom. It was late spring and the rest of the kids still has a couple of weeks of school left before vacation. Harry was happier than he could ever remember being. All of the local events were new to him and he set out to learn the area with the curiosity of an explorer.

When Harry first met Robert Tuck, he was stripping car seats. Harry watched the man cut the seats open with a knife and separate the horsehair, the springs and the seat coverings. The man was strong and deliberate in his motions. Harry stood behind a stack of junk, fascinated by the way the man opened the seats up and yanked out their guts. Finally, he showed himself. Abruptly, Tuck jerked his head in the boy’s direction.

“What are you doing there, boy?”

“Just watchin.”

“Mind your own business.”

Harry was buoyed by his release from captivity and blurted out a sentence. “Didn’t mean anything, Mister. I just liked watchin’ the way that you did that.”

Tuck snorted and looked around himself with disgust. “Why ain’t you in school or out playin’ ball?”

“School’s over. Don’t know anybody to play ball with.” Harry stuck his hands in the pockets and began to walk away.

“Come over here. I’ll show you what I do.”

Before the words were even out of him, Tuck saw the boy whirl around and start back to where he was working.

“What do you do with all this stuff?”

“You sell it. You sell it for scrap and it gets used again. You break things apart so that they can be used for something else.” When Tuck eyed the boy, Harry put his head down and stared at the man’s split and muddy boots. “Now look here.” Tuck lifted a car seat. “Two cuts across the back and then two cuts across the seat.”

Tuck showed the boy the entire process several times. Harry was hypnotized by the sound of the knife and the new look of things that came out of beat up car seats. Robert Tuck talked to him on and off and Harry just shook his head yes or no. He didn’t want to spoil things by asking any more questions.

4

               Harry disliked the Mrs. son Don from the day that he was brought to the Brandt apartment and given a cot to sleep on in the room where Don had his bed. When Harry looked at the bureau and asked which drawer he could use, Don smirked and said, “They’re all full. Besides, you ain’t got no stuff.”

Harry showed Don his cloth bag and told him that he did have stuff. The ten year old continued to taunt him. “I don’t want your smelly stuff touching anything that’s mine.”

When Harry shoved the boy back and saw how easily he fell, it was his turn to smirk. He advanced like a shark and lifted Don by a handful of his frightened hair. “I’m taking a drawer for my stuff. If you say anything about it, I’ll bust you in the face.”

Don wailed, “He’s killing me in here.”

Mrs. Brandt had been against bringing Harry back to her house from the start. When she heard her boy’s cries, she hurried into the room and saw him sprawled on the floor. Harry was standing over him with his fists in balls and the tip of his shoe was discharging an efficient kick into her son’s stomach. “William!” she shrieked. She waddled to her son and helped him up. He was bent over and holding his stomach with both hands while tears dripped down his face. Mrs. Brandt shielded her son from Harry and waited for her husband.

William Brandt did not like to be disturbed while he was sitting on the porch. The tone of her voice told him that he had to go inside and that news didn’t make him happy.

“He’s already made a mess of this room and he kicked Donald in the face,” said the woman whose sweaty hair was stuck to the sides of her face.

“I didn’t kick him in the face, Pop, I didn’t,” shouted Harry.

Brandt glared at his son for a moment and then swung hard. The blow knocked Harry to the wall and then a big hand pinned him there. Harry smelled something strange on his father’s breath. “You’ll do what the Mrs. says or you’ll get a beatin’ Harry. This is the only time that I’m going to say it.”

 

5

               They brought Harry back to the orphanage before the end of the summer. Harry could tell that it was coming and so before he left, he knocked out three of Don’s teeth and punched one of his eyes closed for a week.

Father Bishop didn’t exactly welcome him back with open arms, but he did talk to him in his office where he allowed Harry to sit in one of the leather chairs. “You’ve decided to send yourself back here, Harold. That doesn’t say much for your ability to use the education that we have given you in a proper way.  Do you know that every boy in here would have wanted the great opportunity that you just threw away?” Harry didn’t answer. He didn’t look up. “I do know that you are here now and you are here for good. Struggling against our ways, Harold, would be a sinful and stupid way of behaving. Dinner is over for the evening. You’ll find the others at evening prayers. I suggest that you join them.”

The thing that Harry missed the least about life in the orphanage was the prayers, but he walked to the chapel relieved that he knew what was waiting for him.

It was the next morning on his way across the yard when he saw Robert Tuck. Over the summer the two had become daily companions and Tuck had used Harry to help him increase his output. Tuck was driving a grey pick-up truck with a green door. “Harry,” he called up and jerked his head in way that indicated he wanted to talk to him.

When Harry got to the truck he said, “I ain’t supposed to talk to anyone without Father Bishop’s say-so.

“Harry, I hate to see you locked up in a place like this. I’m moving on and I’ll take you with me but you got to come now.”

Harry wanted to go. It was instinctive and he wasn’t stopping to think about it. Don had been right about one thing; he didn’t have any stuff. Harry climbed the short fence easily and jumped into the truck. They left New Jersey and headed for Connecticut.

 

6

               Putnam was Southern New England farm country about six hours and a world outside of Newark. It was dark long before they got there because Tuck took a circuitous route that by passed all of the larger roads. The insects startled Harry, smudging the windshield and filling the headlight beams.  Not wanting to ask questions, Harry stayed quiet and imagined himself winning a baseball game with a clutch catch followed by a big hit. He was unaware of Robert Tuck’s eyes on him as the man wondered how he was going to tell his sister.

“Harry, I want the people on the farm to treat you like one of their own. You call me Pop and tell anybody who asks you that your name is Harry Tuck.”

“Yes, Sir.” Harry felt something quiver inside him, but he stuffed it back down and it went away.

                 Vernon and Adelia ran a dairy farm. They had no children of their own, so they provided a foster home for state wards in order to get the few dollars a month that the state provided. Adelia worked the kids like farm hands and treated them in a way that would never let them forget their place.

At meals, the family drank milk and the state kids got water. When they visited her sister in East Haddam, the state kids put in a double duty of chores and worked both places.  There were two kinds of food on Adelia’s table, family food and what she gave to the state kids. But she never hit them unnecessarily. She gave them medicine when they were sick and they loved her. At first Harry expected to be treated like one of the state kids. After the second meal of milk, vegetables, meat and bread, he saw that he was like one of the family.

Except for piling the manure up with old straw, Harry liked work on the farm. Each morning, he would get up about four-thirty and watch Vernon milk the cows. The farmer sat on a three legged stool, puffing his corn cob pipe and looking like somebody out of a Norman Rockwell picture. “Farming is hard work, Harry but the dirt’s cleaner out here and it’s peaceful.”

“The noises at night keep me awake,” said Harry.

“Haven’t heard any noises.”

“Them sounds like clickers. I hear ‘em every night.”

“Crickets, Harry. You sure enough are from the city. It just don’t seem natural somehow.”

               Harry could watch for hours at a time without pestering. By the end of the month there, he had learned to ride on the farm horse and how to milk a cow. Proudly, he would carry the fresh pail to the vat, careful not to spill any.

Robert Tuck hated farm work. Every morning he would go off in his truck after morning chores and after breakfast and come back with a haul before lunchtime. In the afternoons, he and Harry would sort through the junk. Mostly, Tuck was collecting old bicycles and discarded car seats that he would take from wrecks wherever he could find them. Harry had become proficient at stripping the seats and the money that Tuck got from the scrap paid for the few working bicycle parts that he couldn’t manufacture. Eventually he had a collection of twenty working bicycles.

“Adelia, the boy and me are going to be moving on soon.”

“Thomas, are you going to that danged city again?”

“Adelia, you can’t call me Thomas anymore.”

“It’s the name that god knows you by. If you stayed away from that city, it would be a name that you could live with.”

“We both know that isn’t so. This ain’t my place either.”

“Vernon has never said a word. What kind of place is it where a man has to make up who he is so that the authorities can’t find him?”

“There’s plenty of men like me in Newark.”

“What about the boy? Don’t you think that somebody is looking for him?”

“No body’s looking for Harry. He’s a help.”

 

7

               Robert Tuck, alias Thomas Rondeau, alias Eddie Tuck, alias Joe Branning left the farm in late September. They didn’t go straight back to the city. Tuck needed more of a stake to execute his plan and so they lived on the road. They stole most of their food from farms and slept on the side of the road behind billboards or clumps of trees. They rarely bathed and had no change of clothes. Harry was happy enough. Every day he practiced throwing stones, but Tuck wouldn’t let him ride any of the bicycles that he kept in the bed of the truck oiled under a canvas covering.

“We’re saving the bicycles for the customers, Harry. A man can make a good living renting bicycles in the city.”

“That’s great, Pop.”

The problem that Tuck saw coming was the change in the seasons. It was getting colder, but Tuck knew that the fifty dollars that he had managed to stash away wouldn’t be enough. He was going to have to go back sooner than he liked.

Harry never complained. He worked hard, kept his mouth shut, learned how to help get the food and wash himself and his clothes in the stream water. He did notice that they were moving into areas where he saw more people than he had before, but he didn’t think anything about it or ask any questions.

“This guy’s bumper is locked onto the other man’s bumperette. Get a grip on the top one Harry and we’ll bounce of them together.”

Harry wrapped his fingers around the top bumper and stood on the bottom one. Tuck started the three count that he used when they worked together, while the two drivers tried to disengage their cars. The two of them bounced and the metal scraped and bounced with them. Then there was a snap and a scream. Harry was dazed. His arm was shaking and he was very pale. When he looked down at the bloody mass of his right hand, he could only see four fingers. The middle finger was dangling underneath his palm, held on by flesh and skin and one unsevered tendon. “Pop, it’s broken.” Harry tried to grab for the finger with his left hand but the pain shocked him like electricity and he had to let go.

“Harry, it’s pretty bad. We got to get you to the hospital.”

“Don’t want no hospital, Pop. It’ll get better by itself.”

“We got no choice here Harry.”

Harry was trying to stuff back tears but it wasn’t working. He put his head down and stared at his dirty boots while the man put his arm on the boy’s shoulder and wrapped the hand in a grimy towel.

    The hospital doctor saw the need for immediate surgery. The knuckle was crushed and there was a good chance that the finger would have to come off.

Robert Tuck stood nervously by the front desk answering questions.

“Harry Tuck is his name.”

“How old is he?”

“About twelve,” guessed Tuck.

“Are you his father?”

“Yes.”

“How did it happen?”

“He was trying to unhook these two cars that got stuck together.”

“Have a seat, Mr. Tuck. The doctor will be with you when he can. We’re very busy.”

Tuck thought about walking out the door. He thought about what Adelia would have said to him, but he sat down and waited. He always felt uneasy around people like this. They had rules that they never told you about until it was too late.

After the operation that managed to save the finger, Harry developed osteomyelitis. The bone infection kept him in the hospital for two months.  Then he came down with Rheumatic Fever and was moved to the hospital for contagious diseases. It was summer again before he got out.

Tuck took a furnished room and spent the winter splitting cars with an acetylene torch. He would visit Harry every month. By the next summer, the ten year old boy who now thought that he was thirteen found that Tuck had opened the bicycle rental and repair shop.

Harry was brought to his first diner that summer.  He loved it immediately. Harry and Robert Tuck sat at the counter on swivel stools and read the menu board. Harry couldn’t believe that he got to choose what he wanted to eat. He watched the meat sizzling on the grill and smelled the steaming soup. He stared at the stacks of clean plates, glittering knives and forks and spoons like they were sacred instruments. He spun around on the chair and watched the other patrons and heard pieces of conversations. His eyes got wide when the cash register opened and then the most magical thing happened; from all around him there was music as someone used the juke box. Harry’s smile moved his ears back as he bit into his burger.

They went to the diner twice a day. Tuck struck a deal with the owner and paid his tab once a week. Harry was allowed to go on his own and have a Blue Plate any day that Robert wasn’t around.

George Lafer owned the Washington Diner and slowly he got to know Harry. One day he said, “How old are you, kid?”

“Thirteen.”

“Would you like to make some money?”

Harry smiled his most winning smile. “Sure, what do you need done?”

“I need a dishwasher that I can trust to show up here every morning and after supper. I’ll pay you one dollar a day.”

“When can I start?”

“Right now,” said Lafer.

 

8

                 The Chestnut Street Luncheonette had a counter, eight booths, a jukebox and a grill. When Harry got back from service, he started eating meals and spending some of his free time there. He was one of the lucky guys. One of the first to get out when the war was finished, one of the few who never really left the country, and one of the first to get a job after he was out. He stocked and repaired jukeboxes for Emerson Music, lived out of a sleeping room and had his own radio. He bought himself nifty looking clothes and jewelry and discovered that people liked him, including girls.

Harry had learned to create a past for himself that he liked. He heard war stories from other Vets and he made them his stories. What was the past but a collection of made up things anyway? If he could use a story or two to his advantage what was the harm? The good news was that it filled in those spaces that he didn’t want to remember. He began to believe the stories that he told about himself. He had been in England. He had gotten into a fight with some British Commandos after commenting on their short pants. The army had been alright, even though he had hated it and tried every way that he knew to get out.

Hanging at the luncheonette was an acquired skill that Harry had learned well. He knew just how long to let his coffee last before it was conspicuous. He knew how to lean against the jukebox and feed it slugs that would allow him to play five songs at a time. The overall trick was that he knew how to stay there for hours without getting in anybody’s way or looking lost or out of place.

Harry checked the crease of his gray slacks. In the men’s room mirror he smoothed his hair and inspected the way that his powder blue shirt lay underneath his dark blue sweater. He grabbed some toilet paper and buffed a smudge or two from his shoes. He tugged up the blue socks that were already in place, adjusted his watch band and ring and headed back to the counter.

                 One for My Baby was playing on the jukebox. Harry sat on Marjorie’s side of the counter and read the menu board.

“What can I get for you today, Harry?”

“What do you think is good?”

“It’s all pretty good. You know what you like.”

“Well what would you order if you were going to eat?”

“I eat at home with my grandmother. She doesn’t like me to take meals out.”

Marjorie stared at his face as he concentrated on the menu board. She thought, what’s he reading? It’s the same menu as yesterday and he was in here yesterday and the day before that.

“Give me the franks and beans, Margie, when you get the chance.”

“Didn’t you see anything that you really liked?”

“Yeah, the franks and beans.”

“That’s what you get when you don’t see something that really interests you.” She smiled full into his face and her green eyes danced for him. When she turned around to get his coffee, he was attracted to the big bow that held her apron shut in the back. It made her look like the gift boxes that he saw in the department store windows.

“What song would you like to hear, Margie?”

“I like Dream.”

“The Pied Pipers, that’s a good tune.” Harry swung smoothly around in the chair and walked over to the jukebox as she watched him. He dropped one of his five song slugs into the slot and punched up Sentimental Journey, The More I See You, My Dreams Are Getting Better All the Time, Candy, and Dream. The Les Brown Orchestra filled the place with its smooth introduction and Harry began tapping his foot.

“This is a nice song,” said Margie. She smiled at him and he grinned back.

“Your song should be coming up next,” he said.

The band sounded sweet but powerful and Marjorie looked at Harry thinking that he was like that too. She placed a napkin and silverware in front of the stool that he had been using.

Harry checked his watch against the luncheonette clock and came over to his seat. “Have you seen any movies lately?”

Marjorie thought and scrunched her eyebrows together.  “Not too many. I did see Gaslight a while ago.

“I saw that.”

“What a picture!”

“It was OK.”

“I loved it,” said Marjorie. She wanted Harry to give the movie more of an endorsement.

“I was thinking about going to see Anchors Aweigh.” He sneaked a peek to her to see if she was picking up on his drift. She seemed oblivious to it.

“What’s that about?”

“I don’t know yet, a War picture, I think.”

“Oh.”

“Would you like to go and see it with me?”

Marjorie’s smile faded. “I don’t think that I could, tonight.”

“I mean some other time.”

“Maybe, when I’m not working.”

When Harry finally got around to asking for a specific date, Marjorie said yes. He had talked with her about music and movies and a lot of other things by then. She knew that he didn’t like Bing Crosby because he thought that Bing was a phony. He liked the Jimmy and Tommy Dorsey Orchestras and he loved Les Brown and Glen Miller. He told her that he had wanted to be a musician when he was a kid.

“Why don’t you give it a try? You’re still young.”

Harry held up his right hand and was able to wiggle his badly disfigured middle finger a little. “I wouldn’t be able to do much with this.”

“What happened to it?” said Marjorie. She looked at the finger curiously. It wasn’t like any that she’d ever seen before and it gave him a look of experience.

“I got it caught on a car bumper. They almost took it off.”

“Wow,” said Marjorie. “Does it still bother you?”

“Not much.”

“I got hit in the head with a rock when I was five years old. I still have a bump there.” Marjorie ran her fingers into the back of her hair until she found the bump and tried to press it back into her skull.

The big hit at The Paramount Theater was The Lost Weekend staring Ray Milland. Marjorie was impressed but Harry was quiet after the movie.

“That was some picture,” said Marjorie.

“It was OK.”

“Didn’t you like it?”

“It was a little, depressing.”

“But it had a good story to tell and it was really good acting.”

“I suppose,” said Harry.

When I’ll be Seeing You came on the green pick-up’s radio, Harry turned up the volume and said, “I think about you when I hear this song.”

She listened to the song for a moment and then said, “Let’s play a game. We can take turn naming the pictures and the stars.”

“I don’t pay attention to actors names that much.”

“Just try. I’ll show you. If I said Gaslight  you could say Charles Boyer or Ingrid Bergman. You see?”

“Double Indemnity,” said Harry.

“Barbara Stanwyck.  My turn.” She smiled her eyes shining. “Mildred Pierce.”

“Who’s that?” laughed Harry.

“It’s a movie. Come on.”

Harry shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Joan Crawford.”

“What about Keys to the Kingdom?”said Harry.

“I think you got me,” said Margie, thrilled to have been gotten, “Wait.”

“Gregory Peck,” said Harry.

“I said to wait.”

They parked in front of her rooming house and then he kissed her. He pulled away before she had the chance to kiss him back.

“I had fun tonight, Harry.”

“I want to see you again.”

“Yes, but I don’t know when I can.” She put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it lightly and then was gone.

He could feel the place where she touched him for a long time.

Harry also went out with other girls, mostly ones that he met at other luncheonettes. Some of them drank in the front seat of his truck with him and then they would open their blouses. Some of them told him how good looking he was and wanted to watch him play softball. But Marjorie, who never told him what she thought of his looks, who never gave him more than a good-night kiss and was never interested in seeing him play ball, was the one who made him laugh. He liked to talk with her.

When she found out about one of the other girls, she told him that she didn’t want to go out with him anymore.  She made him say that he was sorry and promise not to do it anymore. Then she made him wait for a month before she would go out with him again.

One night after they had seen A Double Life and were talking about how good an actor Ronald Coleman was, Harry simply said, “Let’s get married, Margie.”

Dinah Shore was singing Doing what Comes Naturally on the radio and Margie said, “OK, if my grandmother says that it’s alright.”

Harry liked Marjorie’s grandmother and he knew that she had raised Margie and so he responded quickly, “She could live with us.” Harry joined their church and became a Presbyterian and they were married.

On their wedding night, Margie said, “Harry, promise me that you won’t laugh at me if I tell you a secret?”

“I won’t laugh.”

“I don’t know anything about sex. I mean I know where you put it but that’s all that I know.”

Harry smiled and promised that he would show her.

“Did you learn from the other girls that were you seeing while you were dating me?”

“No,” said Harry, wondering if she would know the truth. “It’s just something that guys learn in the service.”

They left for Putnam, Connecticut the morning after they were married. Margie wasn’t sure that she wanted to go. “Wouldn’t you like to just stay around the neighborhood and fix up the apartment?”

“I want you to meet these people. They’ve been very good to me.”

Marjorie grew more nervous after they drove out of Newark. They tried playing the movie game but Harry kept naming war pictures like A Wing and a Prayer and None Shall Escape. Margie said that she didn’t want to play anymore and turned on the radio. When she heard Doris Day singing Laughing on the Outside, Crying on the Inside she began to sob. “I don’t think that I can keep going, Harry. Maybe we should turn around and go some other time.”

“You know what Margie? Bob Tuck’s not my real father.”

Her eyes widened. “Who is?”

“His name is William Brandt.”

“Where is he?”

“Who knows?”

“Didn’t you ever try to find him?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“He left me at an orphanage and Tuck got me out and kept me with him.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Harry, I told you about my mother dying and about not ever knowing my father.”

“It’s easier for you to talk about some things than it is for me. My real father walked away and left me.”

“So did mine.”

At that moment, he was sure that he loved her and that getting married had been the right thing to do. At the same time, Marjorie was sure that she had made a terrible mistake and wanted more than anything to see her grandmother.

 

9

            Their life together was happy and silly. When they came back from Connecticut and the people that Marjorie secretly hated, they settled in with Marjorie’s grandmother in a two room apartment.

“How much do you think that you’ll need for food?” said Harry.

“I don’t know. Give me five dollars.”

“After buying their dinner, Margie went out and treated her friends to sodas and bought herself a pair of shoes. The next day she said, “I need more money for groceries, Harry.”

He gave her five dollars each day until his money was almost gone and then hollered, “Jesus Christ! Where the hell is all the money going?”

Margie got scared and told him about treating her friends. She promised not to do it anymore and the next morning Harry left her another five dollars. They loved to window shop and teased each other about the vast numbers of things that they wished they were able to buy.

Harry had his first affair after Margie got pregnant. Her name was Ethel and he met her in the choir of Marjorie’s church.  When Marjorie found out about it, she told Harry that he had to leave but Harry told her that nothing had really happened and that he had learned his lesson. After that, he told Ethel that they had to be more careful.

At the South Broad Street Distributing Company, Harry worked every other night and every other weekend in addition to his regular job at Emerson Music.  Juke boxes and pin balls were his specialty. He taught himself how to read the meters and use the scopes. That, along with his mechanical ability, made him a natural for the job. In addition to installing new machines, which every place seemed to want to have, troubleshooting problems and replacing old records, Harry did collections.

Sam Walman was the owner of South Broad Distributing and soon Harry was working just for him, full time. He liked Harry’s determination. It didn’t matter how long it took him to fix a machine, he never gave up. Harry would get a call when the other guys couldn’t figure out a problem and he never said no. Harry had been working for Sam about a year when he asked for his first raise.

“I don’t see how I can do anything for you right now,” Sam said. “You and Margie are doing OK aren’t you?”

“There’s going to be a baby. I want her to stop working so she doesn’t lose this one.”

“With what I figure you take home, you should be OK.”

“What do you mean by what I take home?” said Harry.

Sam smiled at Harry. His round bald head was shining. He moved it up and down. “Come on Harry. We all know that some of the collection money never makes it back here. It’s expected.”

Harry stared at Sam for a long moment and then he looked down at his shoes and decided not to press the issue.  He emptied one of the Dutch Masters Cigar boxes that he used as a tool separator in the trunk of his black Mercury and placed the box on the top shelf of their bedroom closet.

“He told me to steal, Margie.”

“He didn’t really say that, did he?”

“What he said was that he expected that I clipped a few dollars each week. I’ve got making up to do.”

The cigar box filled up quickly and was soon one of two boxes and then one of three. Marjorie was getting nervous. “Grandma says that they are going to put us in jail, Harry.”

“Move the boxes and tell her that I stopped doing it. Use as much of the money as you want to get ready for the baby.”

Harry was rarely at home. On the nights that he didn’t work, he played softball, or went bowling, or shot pool, or played cards. He set up a different cigar box for the money that he won doing those things. Marjorie objected to being left home all the time, but her grandmother told her that some men were just like that and that he treated her well. After she got pregnant, her grandmother told her that it was disgraceful for her to go out when she was in a family way, except when she absolutely had to be seen in public. Aside from attending Tuesday night prayer meetings and Thursday night preparatory services, Margie thought about having her baby and went to church on Sundays.

When she heard another rumor about Harry and Ethel, she went to see her pastor.  “I don’t know what to do, Reverend Fritag

. I’m going to have a baby next month. I’m afraid.”

“If you act with faith, Margie, nothing can really go wrong. Remember that the Lord takes care of His own.”

“That didn’t help me last time,” protested Marjorie. She shut her eyes and remembered how the nuns  wouldn’t help her, how she bled for so long, how they kept trying to keep a five month old fetus inside of her, how she almost died. She nodded and decided that it was because they were Catholics. “I don’t think that’s going to stop Harry from doing what he’s doing. Ethel and I have been going to Sunday school here together since we were children. Why won’t you help me?”

Fritag was a young minister who was serving in a congregation that belonged to his father. He had seen her coming to church with her grandmother since he was a boy. He knew the stories about their family and could see the lines of truth that were creased into Mrs. Daniels’ face. It wasn’t that Harry was a bad man. Fritag knew him from the neighborhood and recently from the church. Harry was just pure street. “I just don’t think that Ethel has that much to do with it Marjorie. I think that’s the kind of man that Harry is. You’ve got to give him as much freedom as he wants.”

“And what about me?”

“You’ll have your child and your grandmother and your church. Most of all, it’s the only way that you are going to have your husband.

10

                      The Newark Summer Softball League started its games at six-thirty in the evening. Sometimes seven games would start at once. It gave Harry an hour to eat and change his clothes. When a game and a work-night came into conflict, he’d trade the weeknight for a weekend night so that he could play. He loved to play third base.

Marjorie went into labor at the beginning of a heat wave in the middle of June. Harry was batting fourth on a team with the guys from Emerson Music. He got the news that she had been taken to the hospital in the fourth inning. Harry already had two hits that night, a screamer into left field and a seeing eye ground ball. He had a dazed look on his face and was thinking about the score and how long it would take to play the last three innings. He thought about who was up next and how to protect the line in the late innings and then he realized that all the time he had been taking his spikes off and getting his stuff into his car.

“What’s wrong, Harry?”

Harry grinned and started the 1947 Mercury. “I guess my wife is really having a baby,” he said and drove away.

11

                        Mina Daniels held Ronald Harold Tuck on her lap and rocked him. She silently thanked God for allowing her to see her great-grandson. She knew that things would be better for him than they had been for Marjorie. She had done all that she could do to see to that. She had made terrible mistakes with her children. They had run wild and she hadn’t been strong enough to stop them. But she has raised Marjorie up right and now God had given her a sign of his approval and blessed her with this baby boy. Ronald Tuck’s arrival seemed to make everyone’s life better. Harry and Marjorie were happy again and she had something to make her forget her troubles and look forward to in the mornings. He was the first in the family to be born without trouble since his grandmother, God rest her soul.

“Gram, I need to get the baby dressed. Harry and I are taking him out.”

“He’s asleep.”

“Just let me have him and I’ll dress him in that nice blue outfit that Aunt Dottie sent over for him.”

“Where are you taking this baby?” Mina was frowning and rocking faster.

“Harry wants to take him over to see Pop.”

“Why can’t that man come over here like every other decent person?”

“Pop’s strange, Gram. You know that.”

“Well, you’re not taking him out today. It’s too hot.”

“Gram, don’t start. Harry will hit the ceiling.”

“You’re a dirty little skunk, Marjorie. I knew that you and Harry were going to pull something like this.”

“What are you talking about, Gram?”

“Taking a little baby out in the heat! Who ever heard of it?”

Harry was whistling when he opened the door. He saw that Marjorie was dressed. “Are we all set?”

“Gram doesn’t want us to take him.”

Harry was a little confused but the look on Marjorie’s face told him the story.  “Gram, nothing is going to happen to him,” he said to her softly.

“Harry Tuck! What do you know about babies?”

Harry reached out and plucked Ronald from her lap. “I know that this one is my son,” he said smiling.

The bicycle shop was more of an empty lot with a shed on it. Robert Tuck was sitting in the shade on a crate.

“Here we are, Pop.”

The old man smiled and put down his knife and stood up. “Let’s have a look.”

Marjorie felt a rush of panic at the thought of the grizzled man with the uncombed hair and the dirty hands wanting to hold her son, but then Harry took the baby and brought him close to Robert Tuck. “Do you want to hold him, Pop?”

Tuck sprang back from a jolt of his own sense of panic. “Don’t know anything about babies, Harry.”

Harry brought the baby up close to Tuck, who smiled but seemed uncomfortable even standing that close to Ronald. He fished into his pocket and then handed Margie a folded up envelope that he had been saving. “Get him something nice, Margie.”

Margie smiled. “Thank you Pop, I sure will.”

“Harry, I’m gonna move on out of here. I got a guy who wants to buy the bikes and I’m thinking that it’s time for me to move up to Adelia’s”

“You need any help, Pop”

“I’m fine. Don’t have much to bring. You know I like to travel light.”

The old man smiled at Harry and Harry looked a little uncomfortable. He stared over at Marjorie and Ronald. “Pop, we probably shouldn’t keep the baby out in the heat for very long.”

12

                      Judge Silver sat down in his chair and asked the bailiff to read the next case on the docket. Then he addressed the litigants and their lawyers. “This is a custody hearing to determine who is fit to raise the infant, Ronald Harold Tuck. I want you to know that my decision is final and will be enforced by the full power of the laws of The State of New Jersey. Now I know that the two of you have just gone through a rather unpleasant divorce hearing, but that’s not the issue here today. Gentleman, are you ready to proceed?”

Marjorie’s lawyer and Harry’s lawyer said that they were ready. Since technically Harry was the one trying to win custody of his son, his lawyer spoke first.

“Your Honor, we maintain that Harold Tuck has demonstrated his ability to be the custodial parent for his son. The boy has been living with his father since he was born and is used to the care that his father provides. The simple truth is that Marjorie Tuck abandoned her son when she moved out of their apartment on Gillette Place. Furthermore, she has shown a disregard for her son’s safety by taking him from a park without notice or word to his father. Marjorie Tuck has been seen in the company of a variety of men since the time when she left her husband. Her ability to provide a secure environment for Ronald is questionable at best. Your Honor, my client is a hardworking man. He has been employed as a mechanic by the same company for three years. He was honorably discharged from the Army. He has roots in the community and not even his ex-wife would argue about the love that he has shown for his son.  We know that you will agree that he is the better of the two choices.”

The judge nodded and turned towards Marjorie’s lawyer.

“Your Honor, the only way that Harry Tuck has been able to create any kind of suitable environment for this child has been with the assistance of Mrs. Mina Daniels, who is my client’s grandmother. For the last six months, she has stayed on at the apartment for the sole purpose of providing care for the infant Ronald.  She had lived in the hope that Harry and Marjorie could resolve their differences. The recent divorce decree has put an end to that hope and Mrs. Daniels has informed me that she intends to take up residence with her grand-daughter at 780 Broadway. A child’s natural place is with his mother, unless she has proven herself to be unfit. The only person here who has proved himself unfit is Harold Tuck. He is an adulterer, Your Honor. He was raised in an orphanage and has no idea of what family life should be like. We ask that you consider what this baby’s life could possibly be like without the care of his mother and great-grandmother.”

Judge Silver nodded again. “Well, what about it, Mr. Tuck? How could you provide a suitable environment for a young child?”

Harry looked up at the judge with surprise. It was one of the first times that anyone had asked him much of anything since this whole mess had started. “I’d hire someone to come in and stay with him while I was working.”

The judge leaned forward. “Do you think that anyone that you could hire could care for him with the love and concern of a mother and a great-grandmother?”

“I love him, Your Honor. He’s my son. I’d always make sure that he was taken care of.”

“I see.” The Judge turned his head towards Marjorie. “Mrs. Tuck?”

Marjorie met his eyes with hers and stood up. “Yes,Your Honor?”

“How do you intend to provide for the care of your son?”

“Your Honor, I was taking care of my grandmother long before I ever heard of Harry Tuck. I’m glad that he loves his son. If he has shown the same respect for me when we were together, we wouldn’t be here today.”

Harry wasn’t letting that one go by. “I do love you, Margie! Haven’t I been begging you to come back for months?”

Judge Silver tapped his gavel firmly. “Mr. Tuck, be quiet. You were given a chance to speak. Mrs. Tuck, I told you at the start that the issues between you and your ex-husband have already been resolved. Now how is it that you intend to support your son?”

“I work as a PBX operator, Your Honor.”

“And how long have you held this job?”

“Only two months, but I’ve always worked and I always will. I don’t know…” here she felt things slipping away from her and began to sob, “… what I would do if you took him away from me.”

“The court is inclined to agree with you, Mrs. Tuck.” The judge turned his head back towards Harry, “Mr. Tuck do you have any other evidence to support the claim that she is an unfit mother?”

Harry hated the sound of the words. Maybe he and Margie couldn’t get along, but nobody had the right to stand up in public and say that either one of them was unfit. “No, Judge, I’d just do a better job with him.”

“The Court does not agree with you, Mr. Tuck. We have found that except under extraordinary circumstances, children have more of a chance to thrive with their mothers.”

The words bit into Harry. He stared down at the wooden chair leg and his polished shoes and knew what would come next.

“Accordingly, we grant custody of the infant, Ronald Tuck, to his mother. We order support payments in the amount of fifteen dollars a week.”

“I want to give twenty,” said Harry. He saw Marjorie look at him with her huge green eyes. The look was sad. Then he saw her turn her head back towards the judge.

“Do we have anything else?” said Judge Silver.

“No, Your Honor,” said the lawyers.

13

                          Ronald Tuck sat in the front seat of a locked car. He was hunched against the passenger side door. He was watching the entrance to the Clover Leaf Lounge and counting the cars that passed by the place. His Dad was inside fixing a machine. If the neighborhood wasn’t too bad, Harry would bring his son into the place to watch him work. The Clover Leaf Lounge wasn’t a good stop for Ronald.

The place had three pieces of equipment: a juke box, pool table, and a bowling machine. It was the bowling machine that was causing Harry trouble. He had been telling Sam for a month that they needed to bring the piece in and recondition it, but as long as it was making two hundred dollars a week, it wasn’t moving. This was Harry’s second time there this week.  The work area in back of the machine was poorly lit and hard to get at. Harry had to climb over the alley portion of the machine each time he needed to get around to the back panel. If he had a partner with him, he could just pull the piece away from the wall, but Harry always worked alone on weekends.

Harry could feel the tension every time he stepped into the all Black club. Newark was changing. Almost three quarters of his stops were in Puerto Rican or Black spots. He could feel eyes on him when he did collections. He had started to carry a gun with his other tools in the trunk of his car.

“Hey man, how come you can step on the machine every time you come in here and we ain’t allowed to step on the machine?”

Harry could smell the alcohol breath before he pulled his head out of the back panel. “What’d you say?”

“I said, how come you can step on the machine and I can’t step on the machine?” The man was bending over the alley, trying to get a look at what Harry was doing back there.

“Because I’m trying to fix the damn thing.” Harry stared out at the black face with the woolen cap pulled down over the eyebrows. It was eleven o’clock on a Saturday morning and this guy was already staggering. Harry figured that the guy was still on a binge from the night before. With disgust, he thought to himself that the guy probably hadn’t finished drinking his way through his entire paycheck yet but that he would at some point over the weekend.

The drunk weaved over to the bartender and repeated his question. The bartender said that he didn’t know and walked over to where the man had been sitting at the bar. There was still some beer in the glass but his shot glass was empty. There was still some money on the bar. The rule at the Clover Leaf Lounge was to serve ‘em until they were broke and then get rid of them. The man wandered up and down the bar incessantly asking his question. Finally he came back to Harry. “Hey Mister?”

Harry pulled his head out of the back panel again. “How come you can step on the machine and I can’t step on the machine?”

Harry brought himself further out from the miles of wire and relays. His ears had gotten red. “How about this?  If you step on the machine, I’m gonna break your ass.”

Heads turned from the bar. The bartender reached underneath to get a grip n his baseball bat. Somebody laughed in a gravelly voice and one of the customers let out a soft whistle.

The man spun back towards the bar.  “Did you hear what this white motherfucker said to me? Did everyone hear what this white motherfucker said?” Heads nodded and then turned back away from the drunk. Harry planted his feet and waited. Suddenly the drunk lunged and made a grab for him. Harry swung his aluminum flashlight hard and caught him full on the side of the head. There was a cracking sound. The drunk went down on the spot and his cap rolled onto the floor. A small pool of blood began to gather by his ear. Harry closed the back of the machine up and locked it. Two guys came over from the bar and lifted the mumbling man up and carried him to a table in the back. He was mumbling something about how someone had come up in back of him and hit him with a baseball bat.

“I’ll come back in the morning and finish up the machine before you open up.”

“What am I supposed to do about tonight? Saturday night is our busiest time.”

“That’s your problem now,” said Harry. “You should have gotten this guy outta here as soon as he started with me.” Harry knew that he was on firm ground. Sam had told them what to do if they were bothered. Harry wished that Ronald wasn’t waiting outside in the car in a neighborhood like this. “Put up a sign so nobody loses any money on it.”

Ronald’s count had gone over a hundred more than twice by the time Harry got back to the car.

When the boy saw his father’s face, his heart began beating faster. Now they could talk again. “How’d it go Dad?”

“These people are animals. They’re drunk at eleven o’clock in the morning.

“Maybe it’s not their fault, Dad.”

“Don’t tell me that,” said Harry with an anger that jolted the boy’s head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.

The car was quiet for a long time while Harry tried to compose himself and Ron wondered about what he had done wrong.

Harry was feeling better by the time that he parked the car in front of the shop. “Let’s get some lunch,” he said. He saw his son smile and nod but felt a twinge of guilt for hollering at him. He told himself that the boy had to learn the truth about the way that the world was.

When they were at the shop, they had lunch at the Lincoln Pharmacy. They sat at the counter and looked through the sports page together.

“You see that, Dad,” said Ron pointing excitedly. “Mantle’s batting .320.”

“He stinks,” said Harry laughing.

“How can you say that? He’s the best player in baseball.”

“In a pig’s eye. He just gets headlines because he’s in New York and he’s a Yankee.”

“I don’t understand why you hate the Yankees do much.”

“Because they buy good players from teams that aren’t as rich as they are.”

Ron launched into a long defense of his team. He pointed out that Mantle had never played for another team.

Harry sipped his coffee and grinned. He might have his mother’s face, but he’s got a mind like mine, thought Harry.

“Dad, do you know what Mom says?” Harry stopped grinning. “She says that you used to like the Yankees until you couldn’t get anybody to bet against them.”

Two of the guys from the shop who were sitting at the counter with them began to laugh. Ron looked at them and then quickly back to his father, hoping that he hadn’t said anything that would make him mad again. When he saw that Harry was laughing too, he relaxed.

“Your mother’s right,” said Harry. “But they stink anyway.”

Ron grinned broadly and began to explain all over again about why they were a good team, but Harry told him to finish his chopped liver sandwich. Ron didn’t understand why the men laughed at that comment too.

After lunch, they were back out on the road. Ron was used to the routine. He held the flashlight while Harry worked on the jukebox in the nameless Puerto Rican luncheonette where the pungent smells made him dizzy. Then they worked on a pool table at The Brothers Lounge where Ron always wondered who the Brothers were and Harry disgustedly pulled debris out of one of the pockets into which it had been shoved.

“Do we have time for a game, Dad?”

“Rack ‘em up,” said Harry.

“What kind of a spot are you gonna give me?”

“What do you want to play for?” said Harry.

“Fifty cents.”

“I’ll give you the break and your first miss,” said Harry.

Ron was tense. This was his chance to show his father that he had learned how to play the game. He was better than all of his friends, but this was different. Harry watched the determination on Ron’s face as he drew the cue back and struck the ball as hard as he could.

Ron had the low balls based on the one that he sank off the break. Harry watched his son trying to read the table and saw that the boy hadn’t really learned the game’s strategy. Maybe that was better. If he didn’t have a good taste of it in his mouth from early on, maybe he would leave it alone. But then Ron sank a couple of shots and Harry saw that the kid had a stroke that revealed several hours of practice. He beat his son two games straight and took the boy’s dollar.

Back in the car, Harry said, “Was that all the money that you had?”

“Yeah.”

“Why did you bet it?”

“I wanted to see you play your best game, Dad.”

“Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea, Ron.”

“It was worth it. You beat me fair.”

“You shouldn’t gamble what you can’t afford to lose.”

Ron knew that his father wouldn’t give him back the money. When Ron wanted to bet, his father never returned what he lost. It was dark when Harry dropped the boy off in front of the large apartment building. “I’ve got two more calls. Tell your mother that I couldn’t stop and give this to her.” He handed Ron a check for twenty dollars.

“Am I going to see you next weekend?”

“I don’t know. Probably on Sunday. I’ll call.

Harry waited until he saw that the boy was inside and then drove off. He had two more stops and an hour and a half before he could call in for the last time. If there were no emergencies, he would be done with the fourteen hour day that was a part of his week on three nights. He could put one of the stops off but it was probably better to get them both done and call in when he was done.

 14

                       It was a bright July day in the summer of 1969.  Harry had long since remarried and had two more children. He had buried Robert Tuck and named his younger son after him. He had even seen William Brandt one last time. That had been particularly unpleasant but turned out rewarding because the old bastard had finally put him in touch with one of his brothers. Now his children would have a real uncle and a real aunt and cousins that came from his side of the family.

Harry had joined The Glen Ridge country Club and played golf there every weekend. His friends owned businesses and were large company executives. Harry successfully hustled them for the cost of his membership plus a bit each year. He owned stock that he learned about through tips that he picked up at the club and was now about to buy a shore house. Between what he made on the golf course and the ever growing pile of cigar boxes that no one else knew about now and what he made hustling cards in the locker room there was always extra money.

He sat outside the clubhouse with the rest of the foursome that had just finished the round and were having drinks. Two of the wives and some of their unattached friends joined the group. Harry had been a member of the club for five years and had just been asked to join the exclusive membership committee. Harry noticed that the woman on his right was wearing rings on her toes.

“Let’s face it,” she said with an expansive sweep of her arm, “life’s been pretty good to all of us.”

Harry smiled to himself and sipped his drink.

Filed Under: Short Stories

The Walking Game

January 20, 2012 by Kenneth Hart

In the spring of 1963, Ron imagined the corners of Newark’s Broad and Market streets were a miniature Times Square. He fantasized watching the New Year’s ball squash it as it scanned the four corners. Navigating the streets like a PT boat pilot, he made believe that they were all racing down a river. He shifted gears and sighted his target. It was someone in a trench coat and a Bogart hat. He banked to the left and breezed by slower traffic.  A side-street gust of wind turned everything numb as he walked. His mind told his legs to move faster. He had set The Square as his finish line. The rules said that he wasn’t allowed to run.

He broke to the left again and slalomed between parking signs. He almost whacked into a telephone booth. If he left the sidewalk, he was out of bounds. He would have to drop back to the center of the sidewalk and begin again, behind a pack of slower traffic.

The newspaper stand marked the finish line and there was a small crowd milling around it. He broke into his flat out walking sprint. It was early for the move but it was his only chance to overtake the Trench Coat. When he realized that his sprint wasn’t going to work, he turned it on even more and smiled. He passed the Trench Coat. He won! Cheers sounded in his ears.

While he caught his breath, Ron stared at the shrinking stack of evening newspapers. The vendor snapped each dollar bill with a professional crack as he repeated the price of each purchase. Ron smelled the vendor’s pipe smoke and felt quiet inside. Then the vendor said, “Are you buying or reading, kid?”

Ron moved off without answering. He wandered and looked in store windows. The street was wet. An icy vapor was accumulating on everything. He considered the items that the cheap stores were pushing.

His mother worked across the street in a men’s clothing store and Ron was supposed to meet her. She was a well dressed woman in her thirties, heavy but with a pretty face. Ron thought that her boss, Sid Bernstein, was one of the men who was always trying to hit on her. Sid was married but at least he wasn’t a slob like some of the others.

“I’ve got to work late,” said Marjorie sadly, when she saw him in front of her counter. “We’re closing out the books for the month and Charlie Nittman is due in.”

The store was close to making its assigned figure and Sid needed her there in case they had to adjust some sales receipts before they closed things out.

“OK,” said Ron. He was trying hard not to look disappointed.

“I’ve got a pass, if you want to go to the movies.”

Ron’s round face brightened. “What have you got?”

Marjorie smiled. She knew that having to meet her every day was hard for him. She tried not to think about it. “I’ve got the Adams and the Branford.” She threw a furtive glance over the top of his head to see who might be watching. “Take both and we’ll save the one that you don’t use for another day. Ron nodded and started back out the door. “Make sure you’re back here by seven o’clock at the latest.”

He was almost back out into the street when the manager stopped him.  Instinctively, Ron put his hands into his pockets and felt for the movie passes as he walked over to Bernstein. The manager put his arm around Ron’s shoulder and walked him down the aisle of folded slacks and over to the part of the suit section that was usually empty.

“Maybe it’s time we put you to work,” said Bernstein, his eyebrows bushing up over the tops of his dark rimmed glasses. “We’ve got an opening for a stock boy. You’ll box suits and keep things straightened up. At some point, we’ll teach you how to do a little selling.”

“That would be great,” said Ron. He could see himself working there. He already knew the routine and all the other people who worked there. It would be easy.

“You’ll have to get working papers, but the important thing is that you’ll have a few dollars in your pocket and be able to give your mother a hand.” Bernstein liked Ron and by giving the kid a job, he would be doing a good turn for Marjorie. Bernstein looked around to see if anything else needed his attention. The salesmen never moved unless they saw commissions. “You’ll listen to me and I’ll train you the right way.”

Ron was happy as he walked through the alley that connected Market Street to Branford Place. He always thought that the alley looked creepy, but he enjoyed the feeling of being brave enough to use it. There were large puddles that he had to skip over and on the edge of one he saw a leather wallet.

Before he picked it up, he looked all around. No one could see him. He slid the wallet into his pocket without looking up and did not look back over his shoulder again until he was out on the street. A policeman was standing back on Market Street talking with a man. Ron felt his heart race. Maybe they were talking about what he had picked up.

One impulse told him to bring the wallet back down the alley or give it to the cop, but another impulse told him to just beat it into the movie house and act like he didn’t know anything. He decided that was the best choice. Besides, how could he be in trouble for just picking up the wallet?

He presented the pass without looking up to see what was playing. He headed for the bathroom. He would feel safe enough to inspect it there. It was empty. There was no money, no cards, and no pictures. It was a beat up thing that someone had thrown away.

Ron began work two weeks later on a Saturday. He was going to work a full day and he was happy that his mother was off because he didn’t like her seeing him make mistakes. After they got the store opened, Sid Bernstein sent him for coffee. The alley was the easiest way to get to Hobbies Deli. He walked through feeling confident and adult. He didn’t have time for his kid fears anymore. When he got back, they sent him out again. This time he sauntered down the alley feeling like a man.

The salesmen were standing in a circle in front of the counters. They congratulated Ron on getting their orders right. They teased Howard Bernstein about never getting their orders right. Andy’s counterpart smiled at him and said, “These guys will use any excuse to give me a hard time.”

The manager’s son could have cared less what the salesmen thought of him. He was nineteen and had been doing this job since he was Ron’s age. He hated working there but it was the only way that his father was going to allow him to go away to college in the fall.

Having Ron around meant that he could take it easy, at least when his father wasn’t watching. Ron watched Howard thinking that the older boy dressed much better than he did. All of Howard’s clothes had a new look and he was tall. Ron’s shirt always worked its way out of his pants.

The salesmen were talking about their commissions for the week. A fat bald guy named Bill, who had body odor that always made Ron want to back away from him, was arguing with a short, white haired man named Saul about who had been on top for the week. Both were claiming that it was the other. The tradition was that the salesman with the best week had to buy coffee the next Saturday. Saul was claiming that somehow Bill had managed to cheat him. Bill was denying it but offering no explanations.

Nobody really liked Bill because of the body odor, but he had seniority and called himself the assistant manager when Bernstein wasn’t around. The argument would be resolved the way that it always was, when they compared Wednesday’s commission checks.

The salesmen finished their coffee and began to walk away. Saul said to Roger, “You look like Eunice was good to you last night.” Ron couldn’t hear the answer.

Howard showed him the proper way to box a suit and then had him practice with the same suit, over and over. Then he showed Ron how to make boxes and sat next to him while he folded the cardboard along the perforations. Sometimes Howard smiled at the part time cashier. After several smiles, Ron noticed that she was smiling back at Howard but neither of them was saying anything to the other.

Ron knew Julie from when his mother had broken her in and he thought that she was pretty except for her fat thighs. He wondered if Howard would like him more if he helped him to get to know Julie. When the two boys were busy in back room, Ron said, “Do you know Julie pretty well?”

“I haven’t banged her, but I’d like to,” said Howard.

Ron felt his face turn red and knew that his mouth was hanging open. Howard smiled with the thought that it would give Ron something to think about.

Midway through the morning, Sid Bernstein took Ron downstairs. Ron hadn’t been there before. It was a whole other store, except that it was empty. Bernstein showed him where they kept the off season stock that would be put on sale just before the beginning of spring. “This all has to be cleaned up. You’ll dust them off and refold them. He opened his jacket and took out his personal whisk broom and demonstrated how the tops of the jackets needed attention. He showed Ron how to reverse the fold on the trousers and reverse the crease on the pants…

Ron said, “There’s room for a whole other store down here.” The mystery of it sitting there and doing nothing excited him.

“Sometimes we open it for boy’s clothes just before Christmas. We don’t carry as much stock as we used to carry.”

Ron liked the secret store. It was just waiting there for people to come down and do business. Three naked boy manikins stared at him with a mournful gaze. Ron remembered a Twilight Zone episode where the manikins came alive at night and then he jumped at the sound of Howard Bernstein’s voice. “My father’s got you in the morgue dusting off the dead, huh?”

“What?”

“That’s what everybody calls this place, the morgue.  It comes from the days when it was still open and somebody had to stay down here and never get any customers.”

“I didn’t even know it was here,” said Ron.

“That’s why they closed it up,” said Howard. “Want to see something really weird?”

In a quiet voice, Ron said, “yeah.”

Howard showed him the mirror lined dressing room. It was filled with piles of manikin parts. Decapitated heads and unattached torsos and limbs were strewn in careless plastic heaps. The room was dark when they walked in and then Howard switched on the five fluorescent lights simultaneously. They blinked like strobes and Ron jumped. Howard laughed at him. “This is where the window trimmers work,” he said.

“You know,” said Ron, “it looks like one of those movies about concentration camps, doesn’t it?”

Howard’s body twitched and a sickly look flooded his face. Ron continued, “Did you ever see that documentary, ‘Remember Us’?”

Howard said quietly, “I never saw it. Let’s get out of here?”

“When do we get lunch?” said Ron.

Ron walked through the alley to fill the lunch orders of the people who weren’t going out to eat. He stared at the metal doors that must be the delivery entrance to the downstairs store.  A fire escape was above it and stretched up to the second floor tailor shop. Ron hadn’t ever thought about the doors being connected to his store before.

He was on his way back with the sandwiches when he heard the tailor shop door slam shut. A man in a black leather jacket came down the outside metal cage staircase with three coats draped over his arm. Ron ducked into a doorway. Someone was stealing from his store!

Quietly he put the lunch bag down on a ledge and stuck his head back out into the alley. The thief was moving fast. He was almost at the mouth of the alley and about to head onto Market Street. Ron started after him.

The leather jacket was almost a half a block away. Ron knew what he was going to do. He didn’t want to alert the guy by running after him. He banked to the inside of the sidewalk where there was less traffic. He had gained almost ten strides. He couldn’t understand why nobody was even looking strangely at a guy walking down the street with three coats over his arm.

He saw a cop that was standing in front of Nathan’s. Now he knew what to do. He broke into a flat out walking sprint. He had to get to the guy while he was right around the cop. The sidewalk was getting crowded and the thief was keeping to the center and setting a fast pace. What if the flat out walking sprint didn’t work? He rammed into the back of a woman in front of him. She stumbled and grunted out a frightened yelp.

“I’m sorry,” said Ron over his shoulder as he sprinted ahead. It wasn’t going to work. He didn’t have the time to make up the ground. He began to run. He dodged around a group of people and had a clear sight of the leather jacket thief with the cop about twenty feet ahead of him. He yelled, “Officer! Stop the guy with the coats!”

There was a frozen moment where everything seemed to stop. People turned towards Ron and then towards the thief and the cop. It felt as if a clear path was opening on the sidewalk at the sound of his words. Ron felt like Charlton Heston but he was parting a sea of humanity in order to achieve justice.

The leather jacket whirled on Ron with wide-eyed disbelief. “What’s wrong with you?” said the man, just as the cop took hold of him.

“I caught him sneaking out the back of our store with these coats over his arm,” accused Ron.

The man looked very frightened and tried to step away. The cop snarled, “Don’t do it. Don’t make me hurt you.” He had taken out his gun and it was pointing at the man. When Ron saw the gun, he wanted to urinate.

“This kid is crazy! I bought these coats for $30.”

Ron couldn’t take his eyes off the gun. It was pointed right at the man’s face. The cop said, “Have you got a receipt?”

The man was holding his arms up in the air. People were stopping and watching. The coats were dangling from his raised arms like evidence. “The salesman said that at that price I didn’t need no receipt.”

“Which salesman?”

“The smelly, fat, bald guy,” said the man in a pleading whine. A crowd of people was watching and listening.

“Let’s go back and find out,” said the cop. It seemed to Ron that the patrol car and the two other policeman came from out of nowhere. The car had cut right across Market Street with its red lights flashing and its headlights blinking. One cop took the coats away from the man. The other began to load him into the patrol car.

The man’s face took on a look of desperation. He screamed again, “I told you that I paid my money.” He tried to break away from the cops. Then all three of them had him down on the ground. One brought up his nightstick tight under the guy’s chin and the other leveled the guy down at the man’s face.

“If you move again without me telling you to move, I’m going to shoot you,” said the cop that Ron had hailed.

The man began to cry. Ron stared at the tears that were bubbling out of his eyes. They put handcuffs on him before they allowed him to stand. Ron was standing there holding the coats that had been dropped to the sidewalk in the scuffle. He handed them to the driver of the patrol car and then he and the apprehending officer walked back up the street towards his store.

The woman that he had rammed said, “You’re a brave boy.”

Ron saw the patrol car parked at the Market Street mouth of the alley. Sid Bernstein was standing in front of the car talking with the cops while the thief sat in the back of the patrol car. He was hunched forward because of his cuffed wrists.

When they saw Ron, they walked over to him and the third cop. Bernstein looked apologetically at the cop. The store was on his beat. “The kid is new, Jimmy. He’s Marjorie, the credit manager’s son, so I put him on.

Jimmy stared down at Ron and then back over at Bernstein. “It looked pretty bad to see the guy with the coats over his arm and no bag.” His voice was angry. “Jesus Sid, couldn’t they have given him a bag? I might have stopped him even if the kid hadn’t done anything.”

There was a pause where everyone shifted on their feet. Bernstein looked apologetic. The cops gathered around Bernstein and Ron. “Three for $30,” said Jimmy the cop. “We’d all like to take advantage of that deal.”

“Jim,” said Sir Bernstein, “you come and see me whenever you like. You know that I’ll always take care of you.” The manager’s face had a painful grin spread open on it. Jimmy nodded and then slowly looked past Bernstein to the other two officers and then back to Sid. “And you bring the other two officers with you as well.” Bernstein glared at Ron.

“That will be real nice,” said Jimmy the cop. “They’re good coats.” Jimmy smiled down at Ron who smiled up at him. The cop’s teeth were yellow and crooked. Ron’s teeth were straight and white. “I think you made a mistake here kid. But you had the right idea. Next time, just let the police handle their job.”

“OK,” said Ron. He smiled over at Bernstein who was no longer smiling at all.

Jimmy said to Bernstein, “If this guy hadn’t tried to hit one of us, we could just forget about this.

“You’ll do what you have to do,” said Bernstein, spreading his palms and turning them upwards.

Jimmy the cop regarded Ron one last time. “Say hello to your mother for me. We know each other a long time. Tell her that Jim Sculiani said hello”

“What will happen to him?” said Ron looking over at the patrol car.

“Probably nothing,” said Jimmy. “We’ll just scare him a little so that he knows not to do it again.”

Ron and Sid walked back into the store. Bill and Saul were staring at them with a look of worry.

“Go downstairs and wait for me there,” said Sid.

“What do you want me to do while I’m waiting?” said Ron.

“Not a thing,” said Bernstein.

Bill and Saul exchanged a look about what they thought Ron should do. They walked towards the back of the store like they were distancing themselves from the whole sad event.

Ron looked around for Howard’s face and then he saw him standing in the back by the cashier’s window talking to Julie. She was letting him touch her arm.

Ron waited in the downstairs store. One fluorescent light was flickering by the door to the dressing room with the plastic body parts. Ron thought it looked like a movie marquee. He walked over to where he had been brushing clothes and stood still as Bernstein came down the stairs. “Did you ever get our lunches?” said the manager.

Ron had forgotten. “I left the bag in the alley,” he said. “I could go get it.”

The bag was in the alley where Ron had left it. He handed it to Bernstein. It was soaked through the bottom and left a sticky ooze on his hands.  Sid Bernstein took out his monogrammed handkerchief and wiped his hands clean.

Ron couldn’t wait any longer.  He blurted, “What did I do wrong?”

“You could have gotten hurt very badly,” said Bernstein. “And would it have been worth it for a couple of coats? A certain amount of items walk out of here all the time. I’d rather that it didn’t happen, but I don’t want anyone risking his neck over it either.”

Ron thought about the way the guy in the leather jacket sat hunched over in the police car. “How come the guy was coming out the back door into the alley?” said Ron.

Bernstein gave him an annoyed look. “Sometimes it’s easier to let some customers go directly to their cars from the tailor shop.”

Ron said, “But this guy didn’t have a car.”

“Let’s not talk about it anymore. I want you to take the rest of the day off. This has been a pretty nerve wracking thing. You’ll go home and we can talk again when you come to pick your mother up on Monday night.”

Sid walked him up the stairs and straight out the door like he was afraid that something else was going to go wrong if he left him alone. When Ron left, Sid went to call Marjorie. This was going to cost everybody something.

 

Filed Under: Short Stories

Revenge Isn’t Sweet

January 14, 2012 by Kenneth Hart

                 Revenge Isn’t Sweet

                  The bed was 150 years old and made of solid brass. Sarah had spent at least thirty hours polishing it. Harry had sold it earlier that morning. He knew that she wanted it, but he didn’t care. Now the apartment was almost empty. There were still a couple of photographs of Sarah on the otherwise empty walls. Her cameo face stared out at him. He’d shot her eyes so that the shadows accented their dark quality. Her hair was night black, and he’d given it the quality of a waterfall. But her mouth was wrong in both of the pictures. He didn’t want them. There was no reason to keep flawed work. What a fucking time she had picked to call it quits on their marriage! God knows, it had always been just as much of a disaster as she now seemed to think it was. Having money hadn’t made it any better.  The absolute cunt art of her; she wouldn’t even talk about it.

              It was ten o’clock in the morning when Harry opened the bottle of Moet. He didn’t use a glass. Drinking the stuff in the morning was the best. The nine to five grunts were lucky if they were getting a swig of water or a cup of coffee and here he was sipping the bubbly.

            When he popped the cork, he thought about how Sarah got her face scrunched into that cute grimace when she tried to uncork a bottle. He loved it when she couldn’t manage and handed it to him. She’d told him that she loved the way he sneered before it popped.

            Why the fuck had she left? It didn’t figure. It wasn’t as if he’d given her a reason. The truth was that cunts were all the same. You didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure that much out. When they were working on films, and he had arranged for her to drive around in a Rolls, then she loved him. When he arranged to take her to Europe, then he’d been great. But, all of a sudden, she was upset that he didn’t have a steady job. All of a sudden, he drank too much. Well, let her do without the bed. He needed the money.

            When he heard her key in the lock, Harry sat down and lit a cigarette. He turned his back to the door and stared out the window. He thought about Bogart. Sarah didn’t arrive alone. She’d brought her friend Denise with her. That figured. He’d be unable to say anything with Denise there. He wanted very much to have a fight with her, at least one fight. He’d never heard of a marriage ending without a fight. It just didn’t seem natural.

            Sarah was surprised to see him. She’d felt that way every time she’d seen him since the day that she’d decided that their marriage was absolutely hopeless. She turned to Denise. Her friend took the cue and called out a “hello” to Harry in a voice that was a little too loud. Denise loved to tease Harry in front of Sarah. She walked across the room smiling to accent jiggle of her breasts. She gave Harry a kiss on his cheek and laid her tit on his arm for an instant. Harry ignored her. He was watching Sarah. He remembered the day that he’d picked out the dress she was wearing. She had no mercy. She hardly looked at him when she followed Denise across the room.

            “Hello, Harry.” She said trying to sound at ease. “I’m surprised to see you here.”

            “Life’s just full of surprises, isn’t it?”

            She pretended not to hear him. Denise is going to help me get the bed.”

            “It left about an hour ago.”

            Sarah turned her head toward the bedroom. He watched her face as it turned back but there wasn’t any expression on it. That was disappointing.

            “What happened?” she said in a flat tone.

            “I got offered a good price, and we won’t be needing it.”

            “You’re a real fuck, aren’t you Harry?” said Denise.

            “No honey, you’re the real fuck.”

            Denise laughed. “Harry, you’re such a baby when you try to be cruel.”

            Sarah didn’t laugh, but Harry felt her mocking derision. He walked over to the refrigerator. Except for the bottle of very old Rothchild, it was empty. He pulled it out with a flourish.

            “We’ve got to toast the last time we’re going to be here together, don’t you think?”

            “It’s too early in the morning to drink,” said Denise.

            Harry and Sarah looked at each other and exchanged a secret smile. He popped the cork, filled three glasses and passed them around.

            “At least we’ll always have Paris,” he said in his best tough guy style.

            Sarah began to laugh. Then she began to cry. Then she and Denise left.

 

            Sarah felt awful when they got into Denise’s van. The fact that they were coming back with it empty embarrassed her. She had told herself that she wasn’t going to let Harry do that to her anymore.

            “They’re pricks,” said Denise. “That’s what they’ve got, and that’s all their good for. The trick is to not see them as human beings. When you start looking at them the way they look at you, everything gets much easier.”

            “I know you’re right,” said Sarah, “but Harry was more than that and he could have been … we could have been, something special, you know?”

            “I know that thinking that way has put you in the mess you’re in now. Would a friend have sold your bed?”

           “I guess he felt that he had to get back at me.” “Who paid for the bed, Sarah?”

            “We didn’t keep separate money.”

            “I wonder why that was. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve had a job, a steady job that paid the rent and put food on the table. When was the last time Harry came up with enough money to do anything except party?”

            “I know. I know. I left him, didn’t I? I just wanted to walk away with some kind of good feeling about things.”

            “Why? So you can feel sorry for yourself about it being over and eventually talk yourself right back into it?”

            “That’s not what I mean. I loved Harry and part of me will always love him.”

            “That sounds great but you know what, it’s stupid. Besides, he wasn’t that good in bed anyway.”

            Sarah looked out the window. She knew that Denise and Harry had gone to bed together, but she wished that it would stop coming up in their conversations. It was bad enough that her best friend had slept with her husband. It was a bit much to have her talk about it.

            “I shouldn’t have said that,” said Denise.

            “I know he fucked you; he fucked Diane; he fucked Jennifer, but that’s not why I left him. I knew what he was like all along. It wasn’t Harry that changed, it was me.”

            “And it’s a god damn good thing that you changed too.”

            “Is it? You know why I don’t want to talk to Harry alone? It’s because I don’t have any answers to any of his questions. He wants to know why it’s over and I don’t have any answers. It’s just over. And that bothers me too. My marriage is over and I don’t really know why, not in a way that I can tell him so that he’ll understand and see it too.”

            “You need to get laid,” said Denise.

            “That’s the last thing I need.”

            “I figured you’d say that, but I’m not going to let you sit around and sulk. And believe me that’s what you’ll do if you don’t get yourself a distraction. My suggestion is one with about seven solid inches and a hard ass.”

            “That works for you.”

            “Honey, the right dick works for anybody.”

            “Do you know how that sounds?”

            “Who cares!”

            “I just don’t think that I could face all that right now.”

            “Look, you’re probably right. I’m just trying to help you through this, that’s all.”

            Denise stopped her van in front of Sarah’s parents’ house. Sarah didn’t get out. “This is going to be some scene,” she said. The thought of hearing her mother preach to her about what a lousy bastard Harry was and that didn’t sound at all appealing. Her father had even cleared out a spot for the bed in the basement.

            “Why don’t you just run in and get some things. Spend the night at my house.”

            “Maybe that’s what I’ll do.”

            They were back in the car in twenty minutes. Denise had distracted Sarah’s parents by walking in and telling them everything. “You would have been proud of your daughter. She finally told Harry what a low-life, sleezeball he really is.”

            “I think you should call the cops,” said Sarah’s mother.

            Sarah hadn’t said anything. She put a few things into a bag and told them that she’d be back in a day or two.

            “Do you want me to tell him where you are if he calls?” her mother asked. It was a trick question. Sarah knew it. If she said yesall hell would have broken loose.

            “He won’t call.”

            “You’re gonna be a jerk for the rest of your life, aren’t you?”

            “It sure looks that way,” said Sarah.

            “I hope he does call,” said her mother. “There are a few things that I’d like to say to him.”

            “He’s not going to call,” said Sarah.

            Back at her apartment, Denise made them some coffee. Sarah wasn’t talking. She sat in the kitchen staring at Denise’s plants and chain smoking.

            Finally, Denise said, “Dave is supposed to come over after dinner. Do you want me to call him up and tell him not to bother.”

            “I don’t want to ruin your evening,” said Sarah.

            “He’s got a friend named Greg.” Sarah didn’t answer. “Seven inches and a tight, little ass.”

            Sarah wondered if Denise had slept with him too. Then she found herself saying, “Sure, have them come over.” Then she stopped herself and said, “Wait a minute! That was a mistake. I didn’t mean that.”

            “Not on your life, honey.” Denise practically jumped up and ran to the phone. Sarah thought that Harry had been right when he told her that she was a spineless pussy.

            Denise was back at the table all smiles and charm. “You know, if I were you I’d fuck every one of Harry’s friends.”

            Sarah managed to laugh and lit another cigarette.

            Harry didn’t stop drinking until about three that afternoon when he passed out in the back seat of Sam’s car. Sam would be done tending bar at about seven o’clock. Then they were going out to do some serious drinking. The reason was cunts all over the world. Sam had been divorced for two years. She had wrung him out by the balls. She’d taken him for everything but his asshole.

            Harry was glad that he’d sold the bed. He’d done it for Sam and the rest of the poor jerk-offs like himself. Harry woke up parked in the driveway of Sam’s house. It was about midnight and the place was dark. Harry rang the bell until lights went on.

          “I thought we were gonna do some serious drinking.”

           “I was just waiting for you to be in the condition.”

           “Let’s go,” said Harry.

            Sam smiled in a way that lifted his mustache and made him look like a walrus. “It’ll take me ten minutes.”

 

            Even Sarah would have had to admit that the evening had been a relief. She had eaten, laughed and spent a long stretch of time not thinking about what had happened with Harry. But Denise had started to fool around with Dave a little bit and while Greg was momentarily sitting there thinking about the best way to move in. She thought about Harry.

            It wasn’t as if she’d always made it easy for him. When they’d first met, she hadn’t even liked him. That was an old story. Sarah told herself that she couldn’t afford to remember the way he was when they’d first met. She told herself that she wanted to remember him puking on her when she tried to help him off the floor. She told herself that she wanted to remember his face when he told her that he would leave her if she ever got pregnant. But the way the sun shone on his hair when they’d first walked through the streets of Paris, and the way he looked so like a little boy when he slept kept crowding in on her thoughts. And now Greg had put his hand on her shoulder. He brought his fingers up to her lips and tried to find the focus of her eyes. She flashed a nervous smile.

            “I’ll bet you were a million miles away,” he said.

            “Not so far,” said Sarah.

            “Some days your tits seem bigger,” laughed Dave.

            “Some days, so does your cock,” said Denise.

            Sarah remembered that Harry told her that guys were afraid to look at each other’s cocks. It was only something those homos did. She looked up at Greg and decided that she wasn’t going to sleep with him. She wondered if he was going to be a pain in the ass about it.

            Dave and Denise were practically undressing each other.

            Sarah asked Greg about his job. He was a credit manager at a clothing store. She told him that she was a nurse. He smiled. People always smiled when you told them you were a nurse.

           They should only know the truth about it. The truth was that Sarah wasn’t in love with nursing any more either.

            It didn’t take Harry long to be plastered again. He had the floor at The Pub. “The ideal woman knows that she should live for her twat. She knows how to feed and care for the thing. It’s like her pet.” The bar loved it, and Harry felt like he was on a roll. The room felt warm and fuzzy. He knew the faces around him. He was home.

            Denise had taken Dave to bed. Greg was looking at her hopefully. Sarah said, “Did Dave tell you that I was getting a divorce?”

            Greg said, “No! How long were you married?”

            “Four years.

            “That’s a long time.”

            Sarah poured some wine and thought that it didn’t sound like a long time to her.

           “Women can make you feel like a king or a jerk-off, and they can do it in the blink of an eye. They know they’re doing it and they won’t even admit it. From now on my motto is “fuck em and forget ’em.”

            A low, gravelly cheer went up from Harry’s audience. They had gone to school, hung out, and played sports together. They hadn’t been suckered into thinking that getting older meant that you had to give up good friends. Dale was an accountant now, the only one in his office that didn’t have to wear glasses or contacts. The guys teased him about his profession all the time. Harry teased him the most. Bob was a weight lifter who’d had a dream of making the Olympic team. It hadn’t worked out, but now he owned a gym and had made good money when being fit became fashionable. The bartender said that it was almost time to close up. Sam said that he wanted to buy everyone another drink. Two of the others said that they wanted to buy everybody a drink too. There were four or five full glasses in front of everyone by the time it was five to two.

            Sarah told Greg that she was getting tired. Greg said that he’d driven over in Dave’s car. Sarah picked up the keys to Denise’s van and said that she would take him home. On the way she apologized for not being more fun. He told her that it was all right and asked to see her again. Sarah said things were very difficult right now and that she didn’t know where she was going and what she was going to be doing. Greg told her that he could help her out.

            The weeks that followed weren’t easy for Sarah or Harry. He found himself unable to concentrate on anything. Anything that was required of him had the feel of being unnecessary, and Harry was getting tired of drinking all the time, but at least it was an activity that he was able to accomplish successfully.

            Sarah’s problems were different. She wasn’t able to do anything except work. She filled her hours and days with an unending series of tasks that she feared would eventually run out. She didn’t see much of Denise, but she spoke with her on the telephone most days.

            It was on a Thursday night that Sarah ran into Bob. It was good to see a familiar face and when he asked her if she wanted to have a drink, it seemed like a good idea. It was the beginning of July, and Sarah looked good. Her tan was deep and even and her body felt strong and warm. Bob didn’t look bad either. His T-shirt was stretched tightly across his chest and around his arms.

            “I never thought that you and Harry would break up.”

            “I suppose that he didn’t think so either.”

            “Harry and I have been friends for as long as I can remember.”

            “Harry always made a good friend. The problem was that the party never stopped. I just couldn’t keep up with it, that’s all.”

           “Yeah, going to visit you and Harry was always a blast.”

            “But then you went home.”

            “I guess I did.”

            “Harry was one of the most unique people that I ever met in my life. He managed to do more of what other people dream about than anybody else that I ever met.”

            Bob smiled and finished his drink. Sarah swirled her straw around her glass. Then she said, “You know, I was always attracted to you, Bob. Do you ever realize that?”

            “I didn’t think about it until I ran into you tonight. There hasn’t been much else on my mind since then though.”

            Bob reached for her and Sarah responded. The kiss was passionate. His arms felt so huge and hard that Sarah trembled. She never thought she’d like a lot of muscles on a man, but this seemed more than OK. They got up and went back to his apartment.

            They had sex once. It was brief and uncomfortable. Sarah was annoyed. Bob had been selfish and rough, and now he was sitting with his back towards her, hunched over in a guilty position.

            Sarah felt a sense of resolve. “This wasn’t such a good idea.”

            “No.” Bob didn’t turn around. He hunched further, so that his hands were in his forehead.

            Sarah got her clothes on quickly and left, but she didn’t go home; she went back to the bar. Sam would still be working and she wanted to see him.

            Because of all the time that he’d spent and their house, Sarah and Sam said had developed a friendship. Of course she didn’t see him half as much as she used to, but they still talked on the phone, and Sam had been one of the only people to call and see how she was doing after the break-up.

            He was standing at the end of the bar looking tired but covering it with his professional bartender’s smile. He’d seen her leave with Bob, but Sarah was sure that he wouldn’t think anything of it. Talking to Sam would make her feel respectable again. She stayed with him until it was time to close up. Then he asked her for a ride home.

            “What happened to your car?”

            “Harry came in earlier and asked to borrow it.”

            More pangs of guilt. Yes, she’d kept the car. Yes, she knew in her heart that she deserved it. She had made the payments. She had handled the cost of the insurance, but the thought of Harry having to ask someone else for a car was unsettling for her.

            “Do you think I’m a bitch, Sam?”

            “I think that it’s a good idea not to try to judge people from the outside looking in.”

            Sarah wanted to kiss him for saying that, but she wondered if he really believed it. Sam was a good bartender. He was good at making people feel that they were right even when they weren’t.

            Sam’s car was parked in the driveway when they arrived. Harry was asleep in the back seat. Sarah stared at him through the window, unable to look away. She still loved the way he looked when he was sleeping. She used to watch him for the longest time and wonder about what he was dreaming.

            “You better go home before I wake him up. There’s no telling what kind of condition he’ll be in.

            Sarah could tell what kind of condition he was in from the sound of his breathing. “Was it always like this with Harry?”

            Sam looked at her with a tiny smirk. “Like what?”

            Sarah saw the smirk. She’d seen it on Harry’s face too. It was a conspiratorial look. She hated it, but it fascinated her and she respected its allure. “Do you think that Harry and me ever had a chance, Sam?”

            “I don’t know of anybody our age that’s made it. It must be a lot harder than we think.”

            Sarah wondered if he’d seen her recoil. It wasn’t what he’d said; it was the voice. It came straight from behind the bar. As she drove home, she wondered if maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe Sam told the truth when he stood behind the bar. Maybe the voice had been her imagination. She didn’t know anybody her age that had made it either.

            Her mother was still awake. She was lying on the bed watching a late movie. Her voice sounded happy and surprised when she saw Sarah. “I didn’t really expect to see you back here tonight, but I’m glad you’re home.”

            Sarah wanted to talk. “I ran into Harry.”

            “That bum.”

Her mother’s face reminded Sarah of tasting lima beans when she talked about Harry now. But Harry had been able to charm her back every time he’d outraged her. Sarah wondered if he could still do it. Doubtful.

            “He sure looked like a bum tonight.”

“He doesn’t know how to be happy with life. That’s why he’s always playing the showman. The sad part is that he thinks he does know how to be happy.”

            “I thought he did too,” said Sarah.

            More weeks passed with speed and similarity. Harry drank and slept in the back of Sam’s car. Sarah slept with Dale after he’d done some book keeping that had to be done to prepare papers for her father’s retirement. She hadn’t enjoyed sex with him either. She had gone to see Sam in the bar as soon as it was over. It was uncanny that she never ran into Harry there. She almost hoped that she would and then one night she did.

            It was almost unfair for Sarah to see Harry when he hadn’t been drinking, but he had been on a shoot from seven o’clock that morning. He had taken seventy-six confirmation portraits for his hometown parish. Sam’s mother was active with the church and Father Magula remembered Harry. It had gone off without a hitch. It was a very easy $1200. Harry was telling himself that he could get used to making money this easily. Harry was just having his second drink when Sarah came in.

            She was tan and thin and wearing a denim mini that showed most of her dancer’s legs. The white peasant shirt was tight and left her shoulders bare. Harry smiled and waved to her.

             She smiled back and started towards him with her head in a temporary time warp. She stood close to him and they hugged. She felt dazed by the feel of him. His arms and chest and cologne took hold of her. He let her go just before she wanted to pull away. Harry didn’t hug anybody for a long time. He thought Sarah felt beautiful and unreal. They had a drink. They told each other that they were doing well. They each asked about the other’s people.

            Then Harry said, “Have you been seeing anybody?”

            Sarah said, “I’ve been going out.” She looked away, and Harry flinched.

            “Have you slept with anybody?”

            Sarah looked in his face and said, “Yes.”

            At first Harry felt like he was going to pass out. He lit a cigarette. It helped. He smiled at Sarah and took a pull on his drink. “Any good?” he said sharply.

            Sarah said, “What about you. Are you seeing anybody?”

            “I don’t know. Nobody that I remember. Don’t you want to tell me if the sex has been good?”

            “No.”

            “Then it must’ve, you’ll pardon the expression, sucked, ” said Harry. He was feeling better. If she had tried to sleep with somebody else and not liked it, she was getting what she deserved. He’d take her back if she begged.

           “Actually, it’s been very good,” said Sarah. Harry felt like he’d gotten smashed with a wave. She was exactly what he thought she was: a fuck who used it like a weapon.

            “Well, I guess life moves along for everybody doesn’t it?”

            “I shouldn’t have said anything to you.”

            “Who did you sleep with?”

            Sarah put her head down and didn’t answer him.

            Harry stared at her and the thought hit him. “Was it anybody that I know?”

            “I’m going to leave now, Harry. I don’t want to argue with you.”

            “You fucking cunt! You slept with people I know! You no good fucking cunt!”

            Sarah got off the stool and walked quickly out of the bar. She wouldn’t go back there anymore, but she wondered if that was the last thing that Harry would ever say to her.

Filed Under: Short Stories

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